How sad would it be if we couldn't drum up some old Madonna lyrics and think about the SAGE that was penetrating our ears for a few decades? I think the lyrics to one of my favorite tunes went something like "Some boys try and some boys lie butI dont let them play, only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day. Cause you know that we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl."
I think this song was from the mid-eighties. We thought THAT was the material world? What about NOW?
Bear with me. This is going to be a long one.
My life, as of late, has consisted of busy-ness intermixed with long boughts of internal swishy-swash thinking. I know that sounds like a very technical term, I apologize if you are not familiar with the process of swishy-swashing in your brain. Actually I'm not sorry at all. If you don't have the swishy-swash going on I suppose I don't wish it on you any time soon.
I generally consider myself pretty happy and content. I have a great husband, daughter, house, health, a brain that is ripe for the using and some great friends (who I haven't been in touch with very much lately). Unfortunately this year has brought a few things to the surface that for whatever reasons are causing the swishy-swash to happen. I guess it's best described as moments of happiness intermixed with feelings of frustration, discontent and yearning. Not depression, mind you, but thinking about what's missing, what I want and how to get it.
But I digress, let's get back to Madonna. I went off into internet wonderland for a few minutes there to see if I could drum up a pic of the material girl herself. http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/1985vt/virginmaterial35.jpg
One of the things I struggle with on a daily basis is our house. It's small by today's standards at 1500 square feet of living space. It's in the best neighborhood in town (in my opinion) and thanks to Kevin pushing hard for this house back in '03 we have made life-long friends in our 'hood. I love everything about our neighborhood. It provides a wonderful quality of life. But the houses are California-like expensive in our neighborhood. Ok, maybe not quite Calfornia crazy, but they are expensive. Upgrading in our neighborhood is not an option.
I want to stay in that house but also yearn for a tad bit more space for the young 'uns and our guests. I'm not asking for a LOT of space but another bedroom would make things easier. At least I think it would. And herein starts the swishy-swash. I want more, but is that REALLY what I want? Why do I find myself wanting, wanting, wanting? Is it healthy? For example, in addition to a bit more house, I'd also like to give birth to another child, quit my job (or at least reduce my hours further), go back to school, spend more time with Delaney, eat better, exercise more, read more, or some combination of all of those things. Of course if I were to get downright GREEDY I'd say I want to take more guitar lessons, learn Spanish, see more movies, travel more, organize more dinner parties, girls nights out, etc. And whether it's right or wrong I equate achieving some of these things with having more money.
After some swishing, I go back to swashing about how downright THANKFUL I am for what I DO have. 1500 square feet is definitely enough to raise a family in comfort. Having one child is a huge honor and responsibility and IF Delaney is the only child we are able to conceive, then we should consider ourselves blessed a thousand times over. My job isn't THAT bad and Delaney does seem quite fond of her daycare. It would be interesting to put 100 different personalities in my life and see which ones came out happy. I'm guessing the odds are in favor of them being more happy than not.
Are the things I'm looking for in the material world going to quench the yearning? If I had the flexibility to quit my job and go back to school full time would my swishing just switch from "If I had money I'd quit my job" to "If I had money I'd travel more"? Is it wrong to think in those sequential terms of "If I have this, x will follow."
DLS (dirty little secret) reveal for the day: I watch Oprah. Not all of them, but if the topic is interesting, I watch.
Oprah has had on Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. (Love that book, by the way.) Guru Gilbert advises that you need to ask yourself "what you do really, really, really, want" at the end of every day and write it down. It can't be one "really". It has to be three in order to make it official. Maybe I'll start doing that and see by the end of two months what shows up most consistently. Because realistically I will not get everything on my wish list.
I guess one of the big struggles is figuring out if it's OK to have the yearnings for more without it bogging me down. How do I accept that not everything I want is going to happen? Write it down? Say it out loud every day?
Living in the material world does feel hard sometimes. Especially now that I have a daughter.
Posts
