Second career as a movie-reviewer

Well, I guess it's really closer to a third career. One is in marketing, the other is in parenting and now I'm also a movie reviewer.

Check out my inaugural review of my favorite movie of the year, Juno.

http://moviecanvass.blogspot.com/

Green light and monster of teeth

We have officially been given the green light by our doc to try to conceive. Yeah! That's a nice Christmas gift. Official results of the test were good. No damage to my tubes, and apparently a very "pretty" uterus.

Our wonderful cheery little daughter seems to be plagued by teething again, although for life of me I can't feel those "two year molars" coming in. Who is successful at shoving their fingers to the back of a toddler's mouth?!?! Tell me if you can do that, I certainly can't.

Any time she puts food in her mouth, especially milk, she points to the back of her mouth and says "tooth hurt" or "tongue hurt". Although I'm not really sure this is *reliable* information as we were repeating the phrases "do your teeth hurt?" or "does your tongue hurt" for about a day before she starting saying it.

We are in the phase of toddlerhood where she repeats EVERTHING we say. Kevin's favorite thing is to get her to say knucklehead. It reminds me of that Will Ferrell video called the Landlord. Check it out if you haven't already.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74

Results

A lot of people have kindly inquired about the results of my test last week. So far I have not been called by my doctor to review the results in detail, but the radiologist thought everything looked good as far as he could tell on the monitor. They took a bunch of high res pics that he would review later with my doc, and then my doc will call me to discuss. In fairness they told me not to expect to hear back until today so I have been patiently waiting.

The good news is that the dye was able to pass through both tubes successfully, although the right one was slower to come around than the left. There may still be issues with the tubes, but at least the dye was able to get through and it is not blocked. I half-expected there would be a gaping hole in the tube just given the intense pains of my ectopic.

We had a wonderful Christmas in Boulder. We did not have any family visiting and instead celebrated with our Boulder family, The Cutters. We hosted breakfast and they hosted Christmas dinner.

Delaney loved her toys although had no idea why she received so many. She is still saying "Santa coming" even though we keep correcting her by saying "Santa came." O well.

We sent out Christmas cards on Monday so hopefully friends and family will receive them on Thursday and Friday of this week. :)

Sigh of relief

Lo and behold the doctor eventually called me back and after a few minutes of pleading my case, she made a few calls, pulled a few strings, and got me in for Friday morning.

Faith has been restored, albeit only temporarily.

I won't have results until after Christmas, however. More waiting....

Infertility sucks

That was the best title I could come up with, given my especially frustrating week of trying to schedule an appointment for a test that I had hoped would make me happy.

Some, or most, or all of you know that I have had some challenges with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. This past July I had my second miscarriage and this past October had an ectopic pregnancy. Both of them were heart-wrenching and painful in different ways, I would never wish either of these experiences on any person.

After my ectopic, one of the doctors I saw in a follow-up visit suggested that I get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test can help determine if there has been any permanent damage to my tubes as a result of the ectopic, like a blocked tube, or significant scar tissue, etc. As a bonus you can also look at your uterus to determine if there are certain issues that may or may not be contributing to the other miscarriages. The HSG test needs to be done a small window of time after the first day of your menstrual cycle (5 to 9 days to be specific). The test isn't necessary but can be preventative in that it may save us from another ectopic if they find something alarming in my tube.

For the last two months I have been trying not to think about the fact that I may never conceive again, and instead focusing my energy on this test and the knowledge it will bring me. Most people, after hearing about my ectopic, would come back with some kind of response like "well at least it's over and you can move on and try again." To which I would smile and think to myself that it might NOT be over if they find something bad here, and even if they don't find anything bad the chances of ectopics recurring are extremely high. I have the looming statistic that 30% of women who have ectopics never conceive again. Period. But I just kept thinking that if I got this HSG test and everything seemed normal, I could feel optimistic about my future. For whatever stupid reason I had pinned all of my hopes on this test.

So my lovely AF (aunt flow) decides to come early this month (8 days early) which causes me surprise, but I call on Monday to make my appointment for the test.

Let me just take one quick step back and say something here about Boulder Women's Care in Boulder. I'm not afraid to call out their name because frankly I'm mad at them. All of them. The receptionist, the nurses and the docs. Boulder Women's Care is a FACTORY OB OFFICE in Boulder. They have four doctors and countless other employees and I feel like 95% of the women I know in Boulder go to BWC when they are pregnant. They are notorious for making patients wait forever for appointments and even worse it seems nearly impossible to GET an appointment. I suppose there are a few positives in that the office is close, I know all the doctors now pretty well given all of my issues, and they take my insurance.

Back to my scheduling fiasco. I call on Monday mid-day and they won't schedule the appointment and instead insist I have to speak with the doc. It takes two days to finally get through to the doctor who recommended the test, which only happened after I called after hours and LIED to the receptionist and said it was an emergency in order for her to call me back. Thankfully we spoke last night, after a few minutes of back story and reminders she was up-to-speed, agreed we'd do the test and said she'd put my chart on the schedulers desk and have her take care of it in the morning. Phew, I thought, finally I'll get this on the books. No prob, she's on it.

Mid-morning I get a call from the scheduler who says she faxed an order to radiology and I had to follow-up myself to make the appointment. Ok, no prob, I'm on it. I call. Lo and behold they can't fit me in until January 7. Since that is no where near 5 to 9 days after my period, this does me zero good. Ugh. The woman on the line senses my frustrations and says to call my doc back and get them to put STAT on the order so I can schedule it this week. Ok, no prob, I'm on it.

Of course the doc I spoke with last night is OUT today, so I am forced to leave a message for a nurse assistant who takes her own sweet time calling me back. But no prob, they're on it. When she calls and we take 20 minutes re-telling my back story (which I also had to do with the receptionist in order to get the nurse to call me) she acts like she is going to ask for the world in getting a doctor to put a stat on this order. I start to get weepy and say something like "I realize I am only a chart, and an annoying voice on the phone, and that this is asking a lot, but I just really want this test." She backs down a little and says "let me see what I can do for you, I know this is important to you." Great, finally some humanity, she's on my side, no prob, she's on it. Two hours later I get a call from the nurse that goes something like this:

"Dr. Munks says you should try to schedule an appointment at the Broadway facility, because she can't order a STAT on this test since it's not urgent".
"Well I could see how you would think it's not urgent but this test has to be done within a few days from NOW otherwise I'm SOL."
"Yeah, Dr. Munks can't give a STAT order for a test that could be done next month, or the month after."
"Oh, you have no idea how much that statement upsets me, I can't wait another month to try and have a baby. All I've done is wait."
"Well, hopefully Broadway can take you sooner, sorry that's all we can do."

You BEEEEEATCH! 10 breaths, calm, calm, calm. Maybe she's right. Maybe Broadway can take me (and it's right around the corner from our house!). No prob, I'm on it.

So I call. HA! The number I called originally this morning does all the scheduling for Broadway as well. So, great, no one is ON IT anymore. Not me, not the receptionist, the nurse assistant, the doctor or radiology. My hopes are dying.

Thinking I might be able to plead humanity to the doctor herself, I call back and leave a message for Dr. Munks, and of course have to explain for 20 minutes why I want her to call me back.

Now I'm stuck with an OB office that doesn't seem to understand I want to get pregnant (should be funny, I know), and trying to schedule a test for NEXT month that could happen anywhere between January 19 and January 31.

I've been spending the last hour, as I sit impatiently waiting for a return call, trying to put myself in their shoes. Here is my attempt. They see hundreds of patients every day, most of which have no trouble getting or staying pregnant, have never had an ectopic, and were not irrationally pinning all of their fertility hopes on some radiology test. They are not an infertility clinic. I get it, I suppose. What's another month in a lifetime?

Switching to a fertility specialist seems like a good idea, right? But as soon as you see the infertility specialists, the insurance is gone. This particular test is at least $600, most of which would have been covered by my insurance at Boulder Women's Care. So now I'm thinking... how much is this test worth to me? Just how irrational is it to want this test before I move on to getting pregnant?!? Because waiting another month just doesn't seem like a possibility.

Wonderful time with my little girl

We are almost done with our 9-day-stint without Kevin, as he has been traveling for work in China and Japan. I was excited to hear when Kevin got his new job that he would be traveling less as he could hire product managers to do a lot of factory management. But come to find out that he would still be doing roughly the same number of trips, but the duration of the travel would be less. I suppose this is already in effect since this is only a 9-day trip, unlike his 2+ week trips of old.

The worst part of the travel trips are the weekends. During the weekdays since I work we tend to find a very nice rhythm to our evenings (mornings are far more chaotic, but they are manageable). Even weekends aren't difficult anymore, but we both really miss Kevin during the longer days.

We miss his cheery disposition in the morning, his pancakes, enthusiastic trips to the park, his passion for all things sports-related, his elaborate meal preparations on Sunday and above all his company. We are such a family unit on the weekends that it feels very incomplete without him.

All-in-all Delaney and I had a wonderful time together. It's nice to just figure things out with the two of us. She has to fend for herself a little more as I make meals, clean up and get dressed, but that's probably not a terrible thing. She seemed happy to be hanging out with me and in fact seemed very sad this morning to be going to school (something she normally isn't). It made me feel good to be able to bond with her for a short bit of time.

We went to dinner with a friend, three parties, the grocery store, ran errands, went sledding (although that failed quite miserably), colored, watched orangutans on TV, shared a lot of meals, showered together and read lots and lots o'books. She's fun to be around and we had a wonderful time together. But we want Kevin back. :)

California wimp

I have to admit, I am a California weather wimp. The exciting rush of snowstorms lasts all of about 5 minutes for me and then I just want it to get WARM already. Today I found myself shoveling aggressively at a bunch of snow on my deck when it didn't really need to be shoveled. After I was nearly dripping sweat I realized that what I was trying to do was make all of the snow go away. Sadly, it just won't. I want to get on my roof and shovel it off. I want to blow dry my lawn.

I miss those random glorious days in December and January in California. Those unexpected heat waves where it's in the 70's and you find yourself in shorts and a sleeveless top. I miss those.

Ok, ok, the snow isn't that bad. But now that I have Delaney I realize that it definitely limits what you can do outside. Once they get older maybe it's not too bad. It doesn't help that I have a cold weather wimp of a daughter who doesn't last more than 5 minutes outside in the snow.

Hm, wonder where she gets that.

Bruin football

I just read an interesting article online about the search for a Bruin football coach. I really hope they hire someone who's got spunk but doesn't cheat. Is that impossible to find?

Here's the "article" about the search, I put quotes around article because most of this is hearsay.
http://www.mercextra.com/blogs/collegesports/2007/12/13/the-ucla-coaching-search-should-the-bruins-hire-a-mini-pete/

Two things interest me... Steve Mariucci and the fact that admissions at Cal are more lax than at UCLA, at least for football players. Take that, hubby!

New Years Resolutions

Here are some resolutions for 2008. Maybe I should do monthly reports to see how I am progressing. These are in no particular order.

1. Swim more.
2. Get knocked up and have it stick (as if I have control, I know, I know).
3. Strengthen friendships, listen more and be more supportive of good friends.
4. Enjoy weekends more with Delaney, do lots more hiking, zoo trips, Burley rides and adventures as a family.
5. Figure out who all these people are from The Hills (this may be the most important one).
6. Leave my job.
7. Write more (check, check, check!)
8. Figure out how to get wonderfully shaped eyebrows that are not lopsided.
9. Take more videos.
10. Watch a little less TV (#5 and #10 may seem a bit contradictory).

When old friends become new...

Sometimes we lose touch with great friends. Maybe your friendship found a lull, sometimes one person moves, and sometimes there isn't a very good explanation for the drifting. There may not be a reason why but we all know from experience it happens.

During the eight years I lived in LA I made some great friends. Some I still keep in touch with, and others are now just memories, frozen in an image I have of them when I left in 1998. Funny how years can pass and you still think of that friend in the same clothes, same car and same life you knew they were living at the time.

One of my "memory friends" was a woman named Sally Horchow. I knew her originally through a boyfriend but we managed to break through to the other side of friendship despite the fact that my ex and I failed miserably as a couple. Sally and I were never best friends, but good friends. We were both single, sassy and loved being social. I think we lost touch mostly just because I moved out of LA.

I was living in Eugene years later and stumbled upon a book called The Tipping Point. Malcolm Gladwell had coined the term "connector" and referenced it to Sally and her father Roger, noting that they had an uncanny ability to connect other people (as friends or acquaintances, not just romantically). At first I was simply thrilled to be reading a book that mentioned my friend, and even better was the spot-on accurate description of Sally's capabilities as a social networking goddess. She was more than a goddess, really, and only those that know her can understand her full power. Maybe you know someone like that in your life... someone who can liven up any conversation, make you feel important, introduce you to other wonderful people and actually teach you first-hand what it's like to be a good friend.

She took me under her wing on many occasions and I am forever grateful to her for that gift. I realize now, in retrospect, that she taught me a lot about generosity, friendships, compassion, and frivolity. Amazing gifts, really.

I recently stumbled on to her website (after accidentally stumbling on to her book at Anthrolpologie) and sheepishly spent a few hours devouring her reading and watching her local talk show interviews to catch up on her life. I thought about writing her, but figured she was really busy, then thought again about writing her, convinced myself she would barely remember me, thought again about writing, you get my drift.

To make an impossibly long story short I DID finally write her to tell her that I was happy to hear she was doing well and succeeding in life. Lo and behold within hours she responded and for the last few days we have been scribbling back-and-forth and catching up on each others lives. It has been wonderful and I'm thrilled that I put all those sheepish feelings aside and just sent her a note to say hello. Within a few hours she pointed me to an old friend of ours who had just moved to Boulder. Malcolm Gladwell sure had her pegged, fer crying out loud.

In a way she feels like a new friend, in that we haven't spoken in nearly ten years and in a lot of ways we are completely new people. Obviously we aren't going to become best friends now but I will make it a point to see her next time I am in Los Angeles. And it's fun to have re-connected, if only to make a little part of your past come alive, especially since they were positive memories.

So I'd just like to throw out a little encouragement to reach out to an old friend (use Google or mutual connections, I'm sure you can find them) and say hello. It feels very satisfying, almost like you just went for a good run and ate a good meal.

(P.S. In trying to help said old friend, feel free to go to Anthropologie and pick up Sally's book called The Art of Friendship. Take it from an old friend... she knows what she's talking about.)

Winter wonderland in Boulder

I think we've had about a foot and a half of snow in Boulder over the last week. Shovel, shovel, shovel. Fetch, fetch, fetch.

Little bugster in the bath

I am apologizing in advance to Delaney, and for anyone who gets uncomfortable seeing naked children. I couldn't resist posting these videos.




Also, here is a video that is displaying a new tendency to shout the word NO even when nothing is happening that should warrant such a word. She says it with such conviction, too.

Girls escape

I am feeling refreshed and alive from my weekend wonderful winter wonderland retreat with my mom's group. This wasn't just any retreat, but a retreat WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN! We became a group about a year-and-a-half ago, and I feel very lucky to have these particular seven women in my life. I gain inspiration from each and every one of them.

We booked a night up at the Gold Lake Inn near Ward, CO. It was snowing mighty hard this weekend and most of the day Saturday we were inundated with cold temps and flakes falling from the sky. When we woke up Sunday morning the skies were clear and we were completely surrounded by blindingly white snow. It was breathtaking.

The weekend was filled with cheer as we shared stories of our children, drew upon each other's wisdom and thoroughly enjoyed being able to have a conversation without interruption. Cell phone reception was unavailable, and that made it all the better to focus on ourselves and each other.

We sat in the hot pools, dined out at their fabulous restaurant, drank wine, read trashy mags, slept in and went on a beautiful snowshoe adventure on Sunday morning. All in all a perfect weekend.

I tell people all the time about my wonderful mom's group and emphatically encourage new mother's to seek out and find one of their own. Especially for anyone that is relatively new to an area (like I was to Colorado) and without family in town, it is an invaluable local support network.

We are a mix of stay-at-home moms, part time and full-time working moms. We all talk openly about child-rearing issues without judgement, ask questions, learn from others mistakes and so much more. Our kids are all between 4 months of one another and more often than not we discover that we are having the same joys and struggles.

The big topics covered this weekend were potty training, discipline, tantrums, pre-school, daycare, toddler beds and talking. Two of the moms left their little ones overnight for the first time. I feel honored that a weekend away with the girls was the driver of that brave decision.

We vowed to make it an annual event and hope to do an additional one in the summer with the kids in tow. Thanks ladies for such a wonderful time.

Is Yoga really a luxury?

I love yoga. Absolutely love it. In describing my perfect day, at least two hours of yoga would be included in there. When I lived in Eugene and was unemployed for a few months I used to do oodles of yoga. It was great. I would take a 10:30am class that went for an hour and 45 minutes. My flex schedule was such that I could stay after class and chat with the teacher if I wanted. Or go back to that inversion that I couldn't quite seem to figure out during class.

Then came the reality of the working world and continuing to do that much yoga became unrealistic.

I did yoga today for the first time in about a year. I was so happy when I finished, I felt energized and full. On a normal day it just doesn't seem possible to fit it in. I can squeeze in time here or there but making it a regular occurence just doesn't seem possible. Since yoga is best done a few hours after you wake up there aren't too many early morning yoga classes in this town. Since yoga is also best when you have at least an hour and a half, that seems like a big time commitment for a person with young kids. Maybe I could find that time but it would mean getting rid of a few other things I like to do like running and toning classes. Ugh. Just not enough time in this world for all of the LUXURIES.

I feel like yoga is a luxury. It's for people who live the leisure life. It feels like when I do it I am sneaking into a world of leisure life for an hour or two. I suppose if I were more committed I could find a way to do my own practice at night after Delaney has gone to bed.

Wall design made easy

Been struggling to find that perfect wall decoration for your kids room? I was reminded last night of a site I had found a while back and need to re-visit.

http://www.wallcandyarts.com

Peel and stick. Voila. Once you are tired of it, you get new ones!

Man colds

If I post this, it's only fair to defend Kevin and say he is NOTHING like this, despite a very affectionate and caring mother. My brother, on the other hand, has some of these tendencies. At least he used to...

Madonna knows ALL

How sad would it be if we couldn't drum up some old Madonna lyrics and think about the SAGE that was penetrating our ears for a few decades? I think the lyrics to one of my favorite tunes went something like "Some boys try and some boys lie butI dont let them play, only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day. Cause you know that we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl."

I think this song was from the mid-eighties. We thought THAT was the material world? What about NOW?

Bear with me. This is going to be a long one.

My life, as of late, has consisted of busy-ness intermixed with long boughts of internal swishy-swash thinking. I know that sounds like a very technical term, I apologize if you are not familiar with the process of swishy-swashing in your brain. Actually I'm not sorry at all. If you don't have the swishy-swash going on I suppose I don't wish it on you any time soon.

I generally consider myself pretty happy and content. I have a great husband, daughter, house, health, a brain that is ripe for the using and some great friends (who I haven't been in touch with very much lately). Unfortunately this year has brought a few things to the surface that for whatever reasons are causing the swishy-swash to happen. I guess it's best described as moments of happiness intermixed with feelings of frustration, discontent and yearning. Not depression, mind you, but thinking about what's missing, what I want and how to get it.

But I digress, let's get back to Madonna. I went off into internet wonderland for a few minutes there to see if I could drum up a pic of the material girl herself. http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/1985vt/virginmaterial35.jpg

One of the things I struggle with on a daily basis is our house. It's small by today's standards at 1500 square feet of living space. It's in the best neighborhood in town (in my opinion) and thanks to Kevin pushing hard for this house back in '03 we have made life-long friends in our 'hood. I love everything about our neighborhood. It provides a wonderful quality of life. But the houses are California-like expensive in our neighborhood. Ok, maybe not quite Calfornia crazy, but they are expensive. Upgrading in our neighborhood is not an option.

I want to stay in that house but also yearn for a tad bit more space for the young 'uns and our guests. I'm not asking for a LOT of space but another bedroom would make things easier. At least I think it would. And herein starts the swishy-swash. I want more, but is that REALLY what I want? Why do I find myself wanting, wanting, wanting? Is it healthy? For example, in addition to a bit more house, I'd also like to give birth to another child, quit my job (or at least reduce my hours further), go back to school, spend more time with Delaney, eat better, exercise more, read more, or some combination of all of those things. Of course if I were to get downright GREEDY I'd say I want to take more guitar lessons, learn Spanish, see more movies, travel more, organize more dinner parties, girls nights out, etc. And whether it's right or wrong I equate achieving some of these things with having more money.

After some swishing, I go back to swashing about how downright THANKFUL I am for what I DO have. 1500 square feet is definitely enough to raise a family in comfort. Having one child is a huge honor and responsibility and IF Delaney is the only child we are able to conceive, then we should consider ourselves blessed a thousand times over. My job isn't THAT bad and Delaney does seem quite fond of her daycare. It would be interesting to put 100 different personalities in my life and see which ones came out happy. I'm guessing the odds are in favor of them being more happy than not.

Are the things I'm looking for in the material world going to quench the yearning? If I had the flexibility to quit my job and go back to school full time would my swishing just switch from "If I had money I'd quit my job" to "If I had money I'd travel more"? Is it wrong to think in those sequential terms of "If I have this, x will follow."

DLS (dirty little secret) reveal for the day: I watch Oprah. Not all of them, but if the topic is interesting, I watch.

Oprah has had on Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. (Love that book, by the way.) Guru Gilbert advises that you need to ask yourself "what you do really, really, really, want" at the end of every day and write it down. It can't be one "really". It has to be three in order to make it official. Maybe I'll start doing that and see by the end of two months what shows up most consistently. Because realistically I will not get everything on my wish list.

I guess one of the big struggles is figuring out if it's OK to have the yearnings for more without it bogging me down. How do I accept that not everything I want is going to happen? Write it down? Say it out loud every day?

Living in the material world does feel hard sometimes. Especially now that I have a daughter.

What's so wrong with saying no?

I have heard about mom's who try to limit their use of the word "no" with their toddlers. There are degrees in which you can limit the use, but some outright have decided there should be other words or phrases used in it's place. I think child care centers are just as, if not more, sensitive about this issue.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think some of this sensitivity is horse baloney. Horse shitake. Whatever you want to call it.

I understand the reasoning behind it, or at least I think I do. If you say no all day long you risk having your child desensitized to the word or concept. It's more important to explain what is behind the no rather than just say no all day long.

At Delaney's school they try to prohibit the use of the word no and instead use "no thank you" when the word no comes out of their mouth. I spent some time there last week or a particularly chaotic day and the teacher was running around saying "no thank you xxx" in response to a whole host of annoying and bad behaviors from the kids. One kid was trying to leave the room and go into the older toddler room and I saw her say "no thank you xxx we are about to go to sleep." That just didn't seem to make any sense to me. I then saw her say "no thank you" to about three other behaviors she was trying to shut down because the kids needed to focus on getting their nap gear ready. Part of me thought she might have better luck if she were stronger in her NO.

I love my pediatrician. She is up-front, honest, and a no-bull-shitake-kind-of-gal. I asked her one day how she felt about the word "no" and she said "I LOVE it!" which made me laugh. She told me to feel free and use the word when my daughter exhibits intolerable behavior.

Delaney has taken to fiddling with the oven knobs. She sees us doing it and want to imitate it. More than once she has turned off the stove or the oven (thankfully never turned it on). I saw her do it yesterday and grabbed her hand and said very firmly and strongly "NO DELANEY". She needs to know there are actions that receive a firm NO. I find myself saying no probably every other day. So I guess I do some filtering of my own and don't say it quite as much as I want to say it. But I'm not afraid to say it.