Happy 4 Month Birthday G Love

January 22, 2009

You turn four months old today. Wow. Your first months here have absolutely flown by so quickly it definitely makes me a bit sad.

I am writing you this letter, and hopefully lots of future letters, to help you understand what you were like as a baby and child. My parents have some memories of me as a child but I think I would have liked to know more about my life as an infant. If my current memory is any example, I need to write this all down or you will never know what it was like to be you as a baby.

Where do I start? You came into this world very peacefully and you were absolutely gorgeous. You were fussier than I would have liked in your first month, especially in the first two weeks, but you were still a lot easier than your big sister and for that we were grateful. I will try to avoid making your letters a list of comparisons as to how you are different (and ultimately easier) than your sister, but since our only frame of reference was her, it's important to note that you have done almost absolutely nothing like your sister did.

Your grandmother, Marilou, who likes to be called Moma, came out to Colorado a few days after you were born and stayed for two weeks. She was amazing with you and helped me so much. I hope that you will get to spend lots of time with her as you get older because she is an amazing person. She nurtured you, rocked you, held the pacifier in your mouth and stayed up all night long with you to help me out. She really loves you and it warmed my heart to share you with her in those first few weeks. In fact, even though the first two weeks of your life were absolutely miserable for me on a physical level, I don't ever want to forget it because my mom and I were a team taking care of you. It brought us closer and her a lot closer to you. In retrospect it was a very special time.

You have also spent a fair amount of time with your dad's parents, Nana and Pop-pop. They came out to visit you pretty early in your life and we went to see them in California at Christmas. They love you so much and are amazing grandparents.

I had hoped that you would sleep in our bed or room for at least the first 3 months of your life, as I had this vision of you and I bonding over cuddles and sleeps. But you were content to be awake at all hours of the night so I had to sleep elsewhere with you in order to not keep everyone awake. And then at four weeks of age I hit my limit of only sleeping only a few hours a night and I had to put you in your bassinet and retreat to my room without you. To this day you are still a very noisy and restless sleeper and having me around you doesn't make it any easier on you. And once I get sleep it's much easier to be a good mommy to you all day long so I think we learned early on that you did best sleeping by yourself.

You struggled with nursing at first, and specifically with latching on, but eventually got the hang of it. You have always been a very efficient eater, although a lot of what you eat tends to come back out throughout the day. You are somewhat of a geyser in that you are always spitting up or drooling. You used to puke a lot too, but once I stopped feeding you on both sides that stopped, thankfully. Very often we both spend our day covered in your spit-up. I know it's not very glamorous or interesting, but you need to know that a lot of my job over the last few months has included finding ways to keep us both dry.

The most important thing I can tell you about your infant life is that you are generally a very happy and easy-going little boy. I am hoping this continues throughout your life because I think I needed a mellow second child to counteract the whirling dervish that I produced first (your loving big sister, Delaney). You love to smile and it is SO easy to get you to smile. It doesn't matter if it's me or someone at the grocery store, if someone is showing you a smile you almost always smile back. And your mouth gets huge when you smile, into this big round O and even the most Grinchiest of Grinches would have a hard time not being happy looking at you when you smile. I absolutely love that you smile so big and so much. And you even laugh this cute little noise that is almost like you're sucking back in your breath. But it's clear that it's a laugh.

Along the lines of laughing, you are extremely ticklish and sensitive to the touch. One of the easiest ways to get you to smile and laugh is to tickle your chest and belly. You seem to love it and I also love that you laughed this early. Your sister didn't laugh until she was almost a year old and it worried me to no end. But not you... my little happy guy.

And as far as the easy-going thing, well, the best way I can describe it is that you are always ready to "go with the flow". You had no problem being carted around anywhere and everywhere that your sister wanted to go, sleeping in the car, sleeping in your stroller, sleeping in your car seat even after we pulled it out of the car. Different faces and caretakers do not seem to phase you. Wet or poopy diapers don't bother you. Being left alone in your Gymini to kick and swing your arms is fine with you. I think one of my biggest challenges with you is going to be making sure you get enough attention since you don't call out for it very much. We'll need to have a talk with your sister about that one...

You seem to be a pretty good sleeper too as you take great naps during the day and are starting to put in very long stretches at night. A week ago you did your first 12-hour straight mark and I was thrilled. Good sleep for you, good sleep for me, and everyone's happy!

There are a couple of things that I really want to remember from your early days and they are so precious that it makes me cry to even think of them. Somehow, early on in your life, I got in the habit of holding hands with you when I am feeding you. Obviously not conventionally like adults do, but you will grab ahold of my thumb or second finger and grip it very hard during the whole meal. You wave your arm around but you still keep ahold of my hand very tightly. Now you will even reach for it as soon as I lay you down to nurse as I think it has become something of a habit for both of us. In the middle of the night your hands get very cold and I love that over the course of the 20 minutes I spend with you that I feel your little tiny hand warming up on mine. It's such a simple thing, I know, it probably sounds so inconsequential to you that I'm focusing so much on this little thing. But I love it. I look forward to it and it melts my heart every time we do it. I feel like a part of my soul is coming through my hands to you. A little bit of warmth, a little bit of love and a lot of comfort. I know that's dramatic, but I feel it and it's real. Maybe it's because babies are so helpless and very often they don't respond or communicate in many ways. Somehow I feel like this is how we have best communicated over the last four months. By holding hands.

One other thing is that you do this adorable, cute, and precious thing where you sigh these contented breaths when you are close to done nursing. It lets me know that you are almost done and also I can tell that you are content. It's peaceful, rhythmic and really really cute. It's one of those things that I didn't pay much attention to at first and probably didn't even notice for a while. But after a while I started noticing it and now I find myself looking forward to your sighs. It strikes me as an All Star Baby Noise, almost as good of a sound as your laugh.

And lastly, I love how you kick and swing your arms. It's not angry, or frustrated, or because you are frustrated that you couldn't be doing more. It's one of the ways you show your happiness. By kicking and waving your arms. You often do these little fun grunts while you are doing your exercises and I love that too.

There have been tough moments in your first months, like, a severe lack of sleep for me, gas pains for you, diaper blow-outs, puking, fevers, colds, ear infections (thanks Delaney!), times where you had to cry because I had to do something for your big sister, times where you had to be carted out in the Colorado cold to run an errand or visit the doc. But it has been an absolutely amazing first few months with you. I cherish every bit of time I spend with you and most days I do not feel overwhelmed at having to care for you (I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, so that is why this is significant). Days pass so quickly when it's just you and I. I didn't even crave a break or escape to go work out (VERY unlike me). Taking care of you is an absolute joy. I feel thankful that you are here in my life and very, very blessed.

I have this little underlying suspicion that you and I are going to be very close. Certainly a different kind of closeness than I have with your big sis (not better or worse, just much different). I can already tell it will be different. But I think and hope that our relationship will be wonderful, warm, loving, and deep. At least if these first few months are any indication, it will be that way.

Here's to you Garrett. G love. Little G. Little brother. Little kicker. Spitty-up-ickus. I love you with every little piece of my heart.

Love,
Mom

Dear Delaney

May 5, 2007

Dear Delaney,

This past weekend you turned two years old. It feels like yesterday that your dad and I were walking tirelessly around North Boulder Park egging you on to speed up labor and make your presence known to us and the world. Then again when I see a tiny baby and look at you next to that baby, I realize that a huge chapter of our lives has passed. A lot of people have asked me if I’m sad about closing the Delaney baby stage and moving on to childhood, and while I don’t think I’m sad about it, I get very emotional just thinking about you and having you in my life. In fact I have postponed writing this letter because I knew that even the process of it would be deeply emotional. I have concluded I am not sad about you turning two because I am so proud of the little girl you are becoming. It would be hard to confuse or mix sadness with that pride.

Part of the reason I would like to write this letter, and hopefully others to come, is that I want you to understand a little more about what you were like as a child. And what it was like to be your parent. When I ask the older generation about raising their kids their memories are often hazy, or what I hear in response to questions are confident replies about how they just “handled it”. My parents and others of their generation make it sound easy. I don’t think it’s easy. It’s the hardest job I have ever had. It’s a constant learning process where you are questioning and evaluating the things you say, the decisions you make, the lines you draw and the paths you provide. Maybe some of my insights will help you when you have children of your own. I also want you to understand that being your parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.

You have grown so much in the last year. You went from being a very good eater to a moderately picky one. Quesadillas, grilled cheese, tortellini and fruit top your list of favorite foods. You also have a soft spot for smoothies, and I have shamelessly encouraged this by purchasing you one every time we go to the grocery store. I am pretty sure you think the grocery store is a place where smoothies flow like a river.

All of your teeth have come in, which is a great relief to everyone in the house. You took each tooth arrival like a punch in the face and let us know about it regularly. I am glad that you appear to have picked up my immune system and have rarely been sick in the last year (aside from a constant runny nose).

You are a great sleeper, although a very light sleeper, which is difficult in our tiny house where your bedroom is so close to our living space. We are amazed that you have not once attempted to get out of your crib despite the fact that we know you can. I suspect you like its comfort and feel at peace in its confines. Whenever we travel and you are forced to sleep near us, we brace ourselves for the inevitable cries that come in the middle of the night because you think it should be party time. Since your last birthday you have traveled to Seattle (to attend our friend Katie’s wedding), Washington DC, and San Diego. I would be lying if I said you were easy to travel with on those trips. Despite my best attempts at full magic bags full of distractions, you are still a high energy demanding child when it comes to moving from place-to-place and being forced to sit still. Long car rides have improved, but you are still uneasy at being forced to sit there without moving.

You show a moderate interest in television, which is a great attribute most of the time except for when your dad is out of town and I really need a few minutes to catch up on housework or cooking. You like Elmo and his “world” as well as Sesame Street. I had hoped the Elmo’s Potty Time video would cause enough interest that you would start to like the potty, but alas that has not happened yet. I am not rushing you into potty training, although when we start spending more time together this summer I will press the issue a bit more.

When you turned one you were being watched by a nanny full time during the week. When Ellen decided to hang up her nanny career last October we moved you to a new daycare/preschool and braced ourselves for the tired and cranky girl we had known when you were at your old school. We were pleasantly surprised to find that you were not cranky at the end of your days and instead were quite cheery and alert when we picked you up. Jasper, Matt, Abilene, Anaiah, Eben, George, Anders and Izze are all names we hear about quite frequently. Your dad and I are constantly amazed by what you learn at school and how suddenly you will spring a new word or song on us at home. It is obvious when I pick you up that you are happy there and you enjoy being around your classmates and your teachers (Stacey and Melinda). Even though I am thrilled that you like your school, I have longed to spend more time with you and less at work, to be a closer witness to your amazing life.

Transitions have been a bit challenging for you over the last few months. It is not uncommon to see you upset when you are forced to get into your clothes at the start of the day and subsequently to see you upset when you are forced to get out of them at the end of the day. At about 20 months you started to care passionately about what item of clothing was being selected for you. It usually sounds something like “noooooooooooooooo, not the heart shirt, no heart shirt mommy, I don’t want the heart shirt mommy”. Coming in from outside, getting into the car, getting out of the bath and leaving the park are all examples of things that require serious cajoling on our part. Despite how difficult it is to move you from these activities, I appreciate the hedonistic side of you that doesn’t want to stop what is bringing you joy.

While you are not a snuggler by nature, you do have a very soft affectionate side that likes to dole out kisses and hugs. Some of your best qualities are sharing, constant verbal communication and a wild sense of adventure. I love to watch you laugh, smile and bop through the world. It pleases me enormously when you say please and thank you, and you are getting better at that every day.

The aspects of your personality that make it challenging to be your parent, namely stubbornness, restlessness and having a firm belief of what you want and need, are all things that will suit you well as you grow older. I know that I am in for some heated battles of wills over the years and I think your dad and I are up to the challenge. We have recognized that you are the type that needs boundaries and clear expectations. We will do our best to make those reasonable and obvious.

After a long arduous process of internal debates about my career and life, I have decided to leave my job this July. I am looking forward to spending more time with you and your baby brother/sister who is due in September. I have been looking forward to this day since I returned to work three months after you were born. My hope for you as you grow older is that there are more corporate positions available for women who truly want a part time schedule. I think we have a long way to go as a country in providing these types of jobs for smart women like us.

I hope to continue to provide a loving and stable environment for you in the coming year. I am looking forward to many hugs, kisses, smiles, new words, and of course, tears. I am looking forward to being your teacher and student. We have a lot to learn together and that excites me. Delaney, Laney, Bug, Bugaboo, Delaneybug and Little D. Here we come, age two.

Love,
Mom