The summer of love

We have been having a wonderful summer. Aside from Kev being gone for two straight weeks, and him being sick for a good portion of the summer, our summer has been one of the best in recent memories. My stress load lifted by about 3000% in May and it's made life pretty peachy around our house.

Our days have been filled with painting, chalk, bike rides, trips to the pool, Meadow Music concerts, Pearl Street fountain trips, dinners out and about, picnics in the backyard, games of catch, playdates, runs, hikes, lazy mornings, coffee (for me, obviously), gymnastics, soccer lessons, the farmers market, dog fetch outings and so much more. And I can do it all by myself and WITHOUT Kevin.

Sometimes our days are so wonderful it's all I can do to not start pinching myself and wondering when it will be over? When the snow comes? I have to knock on wood after I type just about every one of these words, but Delaney has been a downright lovable and fun little girl all summer long. Her tantrums and fits have been fleeting and manageable. She has been saying please and thank you more. She gives out hugs all the time. She agrees. Really. She has agreed to do *some* things that I suggest. I'm not kidding... really... one or two times I have suggested a plan and she willingly went along! She tells me repeatedly how much she loves me and how much she loves spending time with me. Just the other day we were laying in her bed with the lights out, as we often do just before her bedtime, and she told me emphatically that "today was a great day, Mommy". I know that seems simple. But I know she meant it and really DID enjoy her day. She and I are having actual, real, genuine fun together. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not sure she and I have ever really had longterm continual fun together. Ever. I guess it's sad to admit it, but it's true.

I tell ya, this parenting is something else. One day you are losing your mind from fighting the 100th battle of the day about the color of a barrette, or lack of barrette, or too many barrettes, or whatever F'ING frustrating quirk about a darn barrette. I mean really... when you get pregnant and think about having kids, you generally plan to lose a lot of your free time. But you really don't picture yourself fighting about barrettes. Over. And over. And over. Again. I really don't even care about barrettes. I just want her to MAKE UP HER NETTLESOME LITTLE MIND ALREADY AND LET'S BE DONE WITH IT. If it's not the barrettes, it's the cereal, the bowl, the cup, the clothes, the book, the TV show, the way to the park, the right side of the blanket, the right animal, place to eat, and, well, I think you get the drift. Mindblowing, mindnumbing, mindexhausting and just plan losingyourmind. More than one occasion I have sat down with my head in my hands and been downright devastated about the life of battles that lay ahead of me. Battles that I don't care about, don't want to fight, and just want to be over already. Just TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT and let's go have fun. (Phrased that way it's probably enticing enough to make any kid jump for what you want. Right?)

Then you get a little window into the future and a little breather from the insanity. I know "they" say often that you are not given more than you can handle, and lately I feel like they just might be right. Just when I think I'm at the end of my rope, someone throws me another couple feet of it as if to say "here... we see you are working your *ss off, why don't we cut you some slack." It wasn't a moment too soon, really, as in May I felt like I might have to move out, assume a new name and never return to our house in Boulder. You could see new wrinkles developing in my face. I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. In body and spirit. But the gods of "we're going to screw with you up until you blow" have quieted and we are having an amazing summer. I will always remember the summer of 2009 as one filled with laughter and fun. THIS is what I pictured. And I'm actually getting it. Could it be true?

Don't get me wrong. I still can't pick most things that touch or come across Delaney in a given day. Just yesterday I said "ok, I'm going to pick out your outfit for tomorrow" and Delaney RUSHED over to the closet with lightning speed and said "no, no, no, Mommy, don't you know I am the only one who picks out the clothes?" Ah yes, of course, and to which I replied "sigh, just once, can I pick out your outfit?", and she said "one day, Mommy, but not anytime soon." Which is fine with me I suppose as long as we can get on with it and start having some fun. :)

Because we're girls....

There are lots of things to love about Delaney these days. We went through a hard patch for a few months after little G was born, but it seems like she is hitting her rhythm now as a big sister. And I'm getting more sleep and consequently have more energy to dedicate to the whirling dervish. But one thing I particularly like these days is that she is finding a bond between us due to the fact that we're girls.

She exclaims multiple times a day that we are both in fact, girls. If I reach out to take her hand I'll say "come on, grab my hand" and she'll exclaim "because we're girls!" If I ask her who she wants to read her a bedtime story she'll say "I want mommy to do it..... because we're girls!" And if I put her in the car to run an errand she'll sit in her seat and say "Mommy we're girls".

My reply is usually "that's right Delaney, we're girls. Really cool girls."

I remember first finding out that we were going to have a girl and having a twinge of disappointment. I had always wanted a boy. And knowing first hand how hard the teenage years are for girls I shuddered at the thought of her struggling to fit in, having self esteem issues, weight concerns, promiscuity, you name it. I was terrified knowing she would undoubtedly reject me for a few years, rebel and date guys (or who knows... maybe even girls!) that weren't good for her, and do things in experimentation that would help her figure out who she wanted to be. I made it through all of those things, but some days I'm not really sure how I did given my crazy freshman and sophomore years of high school.

But now I couldn't be more happy that I have a girl and can help guide her through that mess. I consider it one of my most formidable tasks in life... to use whatever I learned (and my mom learned) and be as supportive as possible. And hopefully we will make it through to the other side where I will have a best friend for life. Similar to my relationship to my mom. My mom is still the first person I call when something good or bad happens. The person I look to for that extra support and buoyancy. And it dawns on me that the best thing I can do for her is to be the best person I can be and hopefully some of it will rub off through osmosis.

Someone told me that having girls is great because they will never really leave you even when they get married. Boys have a tendency to "leave" more, especially their relationships with their mothers. But not girls. Somehow the relationships between mothers and daughters seem to be a different kind of closeness. I look forward to when Delaney grows up and I can possibly have someone to share passions like cooking, reading, culture, sports, athletic endeavors and more. I'd like to help her become strong and confident. Athletic yet feminine. Loyal and committed. Self-centered yet giving. But really, I want to help her become whoever she wants to be. I want to help her be THAT.

It appears that right now the pendulum has swung towards me in Delaney's eyes. She still loves her Daddy uncontrollably but for the last few weeks has been relishing in finding time for just the two of us. And I'm enjoying it quite a bit as well. Maybe it's because.... well... we're girls.

Jeeky Deeky

As mentioned in my recent list of Delaney's favorite things, she has become incredibly fond of a little stuffed lamb named Jeeky Deeky.


There are a few significant things about Jeeky.

First of which is that she calls him a polar bear when he really is a baby sheep. We kept trying to correct her on this when she first became acquainted but it really didn't seem to matter to her. She saw a polar bear in him and we just rolled with it.

The second and most significant thing in regards to Jeeky is that after a few weeks of calling him "polar bear", Delaney gave him A NAME. I have always chuckled and admired the way that Delaney takes life literally. For months and months she has become friends with inanimate objects around the house and has provided each one with a very literal name.

Here is one of her favorite dolls...

named Baby Boy.

And here is one of her favorite dolls...

named Baby Girl.

This is one of her favorite stuffed toys...

you guessed it, named Koala.

I can post pics of a lot of other items around here that also have incredibly literal names. We have "dolphin" and "ducky" and "elephant".


There is even a blanket named "soft blanky". Her pretend sister is named "sister". The list goes on and on...

And so we were not surprised when she found this little lamb (which was resurrected for Garrett) and had named him "Polar Bear". But for some reason after a few weeks she started to call him Jeeky. I thought it would pass but she continued to call him this random name, and then a week later she added a last name of Deeky. How she came up with these names I have no idea. But they have stuck.

Jeeky has been allowed to go with her in the car (but he doesn't get to leave the car on errands) and as a result of this and the fact that she likes to wipe her nose on him, he has become a wonderful shade of grey. She has slept with him every night and likes to put him under her dinner table chair so that she can still be close with him while eating. If she is helping out mom and dad in some way it's common for Jeeky to take a turn as well. Jeeky has brought Garrett his binky, put away toys and had lots of sips from her sippy cup. He really is a pretty active member of the household.

Oddly I feel much more attachment to him because he has been named. It's like he's a part of the family, he almost deserves our last name at the end of Jeeky Deeky. Welcome to the family little fella.

Expectations

A number of people have inquired about the difficulty of our "two young children" household and how it compares to my expectations. So, for example, what things have been harder or easier than expected. I haven't quite figured out all of those answers and I have no doubt that the answers will change a lot over the next year.

Keep in mind that there are a number of things not on this list that I had thought would be very difficult, like, Delaney's tantrums, cries for attention, breastfeeding Garrett, finding time to get out and exercise, finding time to connect with my husband, and more.

But for starters....

HARDER THAN EXPECTED: At first it was the lack of sleep. I remembered it from the first time and for some crazy reason I think the lack of sleep was harder this time. I felt overwhelmed by the lack of sleep on Day 2 of Garrett's life and for whatever reason I don't remember it hitting that quickly with Delaney. Maybe I was able to do more daytime sleeping the first time around? Maybe I actually got less of it this time around? Or maybe as I get older the toll of no sleep is harder on me? So sleep is the first one.

The second was just how annoyed and frustrated I was with Delaney in those first few weeks. It's improved immensely since then but those first few weeks I couldn't stand to be around this crazy storm of energy and tantrums. Her neediness really annoyed me to the point where I wanted to move somewhere else so I wouldn't have to hear her complaining. The other side effect of that was how hard it would be to switch energies between the two children. On the one hand here was this adorable tiny little creature that just needed to be held and fed. The energy needed for that was completely different than the energy required to be around Delaney and keep her occupied. Thank goodness for Kevin and my mom in those first weeks because they really did an amazing job of keeping up with her energy while I was able to get into a zen rhythm with Garrett.

And, most recently, I would say what constantly challenges me with being difficult is keeping the house together on the days where I have two of them. It seems nearly impossible to do it some days and I have had to really lower my expectations of myself on those days.

And lastly, what is really hard is going out places with both and how it takes me forever to recover from doing that. Being out isn't that hard but it's the recovery process that seems to overwhelm me. Often when we come home I am frantically occupied with getting everyone and everything out of the car. It seems to take a long time to get them both situated in the house, take off coats and shoes, wash our hands, put away diaper bags, coats, sippies, snacks and whatever it is we may have purchased while out (groceries are really hard), catch up with feeding Garrett, and more. We did a big grocery store trip once and I swear it took me 3 hours to feel like there was no evidence that we had made that trip.


EASIER THAN EXPECTED: I think the most obvious one is just how EASY Garrett is when it's just he and I. Our solo days are like this picture perfect day of relaxation. We don't have a schedule and we both do great just rolling with the "free form" nature of our days. I am not the least bit stressed or unsatisfied with those days. Since I didn't have those with Delaney I guess now I understand just how EASY little newborns can be and how much fun it is take care of one.

That's all for now, I'm sure I'll have more soon.

To spank or not to spank

What a provocative post title, I wonder if I will get listed in Google for people searching about naughty spanking thoughts.

We are currently in the throws of Delaney and her wild and often cantankerous behavior. I have posted here often about how she is constantly testing the limits and pushing a lot of buttons. I feel like we've been at a high crescendo of this kind of behavior for some time now... like... about a year. She goes in waves and some days are mostly good and some days are mostly bad. Some months are better than others. Some hours are better than others. She has perfected the ability to be ridiculously cute one minute only to turn into the whiniest, most annoying toddler the very next minute.

Yesterday she was on point with this behavior in the afternoon when I needed her to get ready to go to the store to pick up a few items. We were going to walk to the local market and it was the only thing I really needed to get done yesterday. We had a good focused morning of play and making cookies and I just needed her to cooperate for about 20 minutes. She refused to wear a sweatshirt (it was 35 degrees outside) and when I forced her to pick one (out of two choices) and I put it on her she defiantly took it off and stomped around the house. "I don't waaaaaaaaaaant to wear that sweatshirt, I want to wear the PIIIIIIIINK one". Ok, Delaney, this is your last chance, I'll put the pink one on and then we're going to leave. Then I put the pink one on her even though I asked her to put it on herself about 4 times. One she got it on the melee continued. "Nooooooooooooooooooo I don't waaaaaaaaaaant to wear the pink one, I want to wear the purple one" and she defiantly takes the sweatshirt off. Then we went through the same thing with her boots. I would put them on and she would take them off. Now, I could see how you might just say "let her freeze and go without the clothes". But a big part of me feels like she really needs to learn that some things ARE NOT a choice. I felt like wearing some kind of sweatshirt was mandatory. We went back and forth trying to get her dressed for about 25 minutes. Meanwhile I'm trying to get dressed, Garrett is fussing in his bucket seat and daylight hours were ticking away. It was maddening to the point where I could see how you get to a place where using some sort of physical communication might be deemed as effective. Words clearly do not always get through or have any kind of effect.

So Kevin and I got in a discussion about spanking as a form of discipline. I know plenty of families who have chosen to spank their kids and both Kevin and I were spanked as children. I was only spanked a handful of times for doing absolutely terrible things that I clearly knew were against the rules. Like writing on the walls, defiling my dad's Alfa Romeo leather seats, lying about something when my parents knew the truth, etc. Kevin was spanked a bit more and his temperament as a kid is often described as similar to Delaney's. I don't really feel strongly about the spanking issue one way or the other and as far as I'm concerned each family can do what they feel effective.

However I am more inclined to go without it and to see if we can continue to use words and lessons to teach our child. I generally feel like once you use spanking then kids will do anything up to the moment they know they are going to get spanked. And what about when your child is at school or other places where they know spanking is not an option? I think oftentimes the spanking escalates and it seems like you do more spanking over time to continue to get your point across. And I guess my biggest concern is that I don't want Delaney to learn that hitting or violence is an acceptable way to communicate.

Now these feelings might all change if Delaney's behavior gets worse or we run out of tools and options. But for now we are going to stick with time outs and words and hopefully we can continue to mold her in that way. And I will be giving myself time outs and taking moments to calm down so that she seems calm behavior and knows it's possible to be calm and deal with conflict. Easier said than done some days...

Introspection

The last few days have been a bit rough for me. I felt like we hit a great rhythm a while back but unfortunately this weekend it came crashing to a halt. It dawns on me that parenthood is full of these swings and I suppose it's natural that I am going to have a bunch of highs and lows in the early months of our children's lives. I was telling this to my neighbor a while back and she said "welcome to the next 20 years of your life". Ha.

It came crashing to a halt at 1:15am on Sunday morning when Garrett decided he was going to wake up. He was mighty angry and it was only 3 hours since I had put him down. Since about 5 weeks of age Garrett had started to wake up only once a night, somewhere in the 4am hour. Then for some reason last Thursday he started getting up at 3am, then the next night at 2:30am and then the unfortunate 1:15 the next night. WHY, o why, has he decided to regress like this?

Kevin was out of town on Monday and Tuesday of last week and I thought I handled everything just fine. I felt good about it all and felt like his first trip away was a success. Then Garrett got a cold, Delaney got "croup light" and I had to spend all day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with both kiddos without a break. Delaney was MIGHTY challenging on Thursday and Friday. Stubborn, angry, defiant and mischievous. I told Kevin when he came home on Friday night that this weekend I needed a break. Especially from Delaney. A good chunk of time where I got to go away (or they went away) and be by myself. For whatever reason I didn't get this on Saturday because we were busy doing things like going to Delaney's school fund raiser, getting the Christmas tree and seeing Jean/Lara/Gabe in the Boulder Parade of Lights. So then Saturday morning rolls around, I'm going on a full week of hard core parenting work, three nights in a row of not getting a lot of sleep and I snapped a little bit.

There are a few things I learned this week, or at least reminded myself was the case.

First and foremost sleep is paramount. If I don't get it I get cranky. I don't function well on little to no sleep. I need to make sure I am getting my sleep somehow even if it means asking Kevin to take over one of the nighttime feedings.

Secondly that if I hear myself saying "I need a break" that I need to be better about forcing myself to get it, even if it means asking neighbors for help. Or hiring help. Because if I say that I need a break there is a really good chance I need it or I will find myself in the mood that I was on Sunday. Tired, angry, frustrated and with a very short fuse with my kids.

Third that it is hard to keep the house afloat with two young kids and most of the time I will not succeed to my standards. It turns out it's very challenging to keep a clean house, feed the kids healthy meals, feed the whole family healthy meals, exercise and feed the pets, buy Christmas gifts, decorate the house, pay bills, do laundry and get some exercise myself. I think most days and weeks I need to just keep lowering my expectations.

And probably one other thing that is pretty important. It's not letting myself feel badly about needing time away. I think about other moms who seem to function just fine without any breaks. But I am not one of them. I need regular time away from my kids in order to be a good mom and THAT'S OK. I think when I'm engaged and really present with my kids I'm a great mom. I'm good at it. But when I'm not engaged and I am craving time away I am NOT a good mom. And I just need to make sure I'm getting that time away so that when I'm there with my kids I'm at my best.

Today Delaney is at school and I am just with Garrett. It already feels better to have had a few hours to myself. Unfortunately Garrett woke up twice again last night and I REALLY hope he goes back to his once-a-night routine. I know he has it in him and he just needs to snap back into it. But I am feeling optimistic that this week will be much better.

I even talked to Kevin about me sneaking out to see a movie by myself some night this week. Now I just need to be better about actually DOING it and not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it.

Broken

On Saturday night, we hit two milestones with baby Garrett. The first was that I fed him at 8:30pm and he didn't awake to be fed until just after 2am. That means he revealed that he can go 6 hours without food. Yahoo! That same night he managed to keep me awake from 2am to 6am. I had a little breakdown at 6am and decided that I was simply going to put Garrett in his bassinet and I retreated to our bedroom. I have not been sleeping in our bedroom since Garrett was born since I felt like it didn't make sense to keep Kevin AND I awake with Garrett. I miss our bedroom, our sheets and our bed very much.

So I retreated to our room and put my blinders on and shoved some earplugs in my ears. I figured Kevin would be awake pretty shortly and if he was crying uncontrollably Kevin could appease Garrett.

Kevin awoke and saw me in our bed and figured that Garrett was so calm I decided to sleep in our room. Ha! When Kevin finally roused me awake at 8am I notified him that I was broken. Garrett had broken me. 4 weeks of not sleeping had me frazzled, worn and emotional. I was starting to hate my life and really resent our child. I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I would from here on out be sleeping in our room and Garrett will be sleeping (or crying) in a different room. We made this decision pretty early on with Delaney as well but mostly this was because she was so uncontrollably fussy during the day that sleeping at night was our only survival mechanism. Garrett is much easier during the day, but it turns out that not sleeping for 4 straight weeks does terrible things to your body and mindset. Honestly I felt like if I didn't make a change that I would go insane and likely leave this family. I not exaggerating. I am cranky, tired, pale, malnourished, impatient and lethargic. I am pretty sure most of this is due to night after night with only 3-5 hours of sleep.

Anyway... I had some pretty guilty thoughts yesterday about letting such a little child cry it out and taking the tough love approach. But I really felt like I had no choice. Friends and acquaintances often comment on how well Delaney approaches sleep and how easy she is to put to bed. A big part of this is because of how fussy she was as an infant and how, basically, she trained us to leave her alone at the end of the day. I often tell people that I think in some ways our children train and mold us for what they need, at least I justify our bedtime approach with her that way.

So maybe this was Garrett's way of telling me that he needs to sleep alone. I had visions of us sharing a bed and space for months, and having a calm baby who would like to snuggle and would peacefully drift off to sleep as I nursed him. I honestly didn't care how often I had to nurse him and was prepared to be at it every 2 hours or more if needed. So many of my friends have relayed this type of experience with me and I felt like this was going to be my shot at it.

Sigh... it looks like that vision or expectation is broken. Last night we took the first cry it out approach and I must admit that today I am a completely different person. He went to bed at 10pm, awoke around 2am when I fed him, I put him back in the other room and he awoke again at 5am. I fed him again and promptly put him back in the other room. At 8am I finally got up to start my day and feed him. I will sheepishly admit that I have no idea if he was wailing, flailing, TO'd or calm during any of those sleeping hours between 2am and 8am. Because I was peacefully adrift in some much needed REM in my own bed and in my own sheets (with the monitor turned down so much it was nearly off). And yeah, as you can imagine, there is some guilt flowing around my head today but given how amazing my body felt this morning those guilty feelings are far overpowered. I am not going back.

So far with both kids home today things have been going well. I have more patience with Delaney, she seems to be in great spirits and life seems manageable. I guess this is the newborn experience I was meant to witness.

Lucy has paws, you knucklehead

Here is a tiny little tidbit from our weekend.

Delaney found some of her chalk and was scribbling vigorously on our new patio. I was popping in and out of the house, moving stuff from one place to another (which is what I do professionally these days). I came out and saw her sitting very close to our dog Lucy and she was doing quite a scribble fest with the pink chalk.

I said "Good chalk drawing, Delaney, is Lucy helping you with your drawing?"
To which she candidly replied "No mommy, she doesn't have any hands."

I guess I have to stop asking her stupid questions that are REALLY obvious. :)

Tantrum city

That's where we live right now. Tantrum city and the nearby town that we visit just as frequently is Whinytown. I think it's fair to say that the terrible two's are upon us and here to stay for some time.

Every morning there are a few consistent battles with Delaney. The first is taking off her pajamas. You'd think we were trying to take off her actual skin she resists taking them off so much. Last Sunday I just gave in and let her keep her jammies on until her nap. She couldn't have been more thrilled. The other battle in the morning is exactly WHAT she is going to wear for the day. I always offer some choices and options for her, and very often even after she's picked her outfit she changes her mind half-way through or just before she actually has to put them on. Then it's a constant back-and-forth about how she actually made a choice, how I gave her options, etc. But it's still a battle and some days it ends in me actually forcing her arms and legs through some clothes as she wriggles and screams on the floor. Good times. I realized that I might have to actually start shopping with Delaney for her clothes.

The other battles that have been consistent recently are getting her into the car at the end of a day of school. She resists this with great fervor and the other day I tried to call her bluff and we just sat in the parking lot until she could make the right choice and get in her car seat. This approach backfired greatly and she seemed content to just sit in the backseat of the car and talk to herself until the end of time. We actually sat in the car together for nearly an hour before I had to resort to forcing her to get in the seat by pinning her down with both arms and even my leg. Again, good times.

Kevin is nearing a long stretch of being gone and I have to admit I am dreading being the only one who manages her tantrums. I feel like between the two of us we have enough patience to manage her effectively. But when it all falls on me I end up losing patience pretty regularly. Having kids, I decided, is the ultimate test of one's patience. I can't say that I always pass the test either.

I know it's a phase and we'll eventually get through it. But realizing that the tantrums appear here to stay for some time is a bit daunting. Sigh.

Big girl bed and big girl room

We made the decision a while back to convert our guest room into Delaney's new room and we would figure out another place for our desk (and get rid of our queen size guest bed). To compensate for losing the space for guests to sleep we decided we'd get one of those trundles that pops up and can be connected to the other twin bed, thus essentially making nearly a king bed when you put them together. When guests come we would put Delaney in our room, or the baby's room, or on the front porch. :) It seemed a little silly to leave a guest room empty 11 months of the year when it might be far easier to give the kiddos their own spot. Eventually I want the kids to share. I figure my window for that is when the little one hits two and for the next 3-4 years. Ideally we'd have a four bedroom home and maybe they wouldn't have to share, but that's the plan if we stay where we are now.

Ever since we made this decision, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't question it and think that there's a better and different solution. Delaney is very much a creature of habit. She likes the same toys, the same stuffed animals, the same clothes, the same food, etc, pretty much every day. She would be thrilled if I let her wear her "fishy shirt" or her "elephant shirt" every day. I think she would like it if she could wear it in the bath tub.

So how is Delaney going to take to moving rooms, you ask?!?! We don't know. We talk endlessly about how wonderful it's going to be in her new room and how special her big girl room is going to be when she gets in there. She acknowledges it and even points to the room and says "big girl room" and sits on her new mattress and says "big girl bed". I'm just concerned she is going to resist the change like she has been resisting everything else in life these days. And with the attention-stealing-baby on the way I have a bad feeling I'm in for a world of tantrums over the next few months.

Kevin and I have debated at length about the design of her new room and how to make it as special as possible so she'll have no choice but to swoon over it's playful, artistic and whimsical designs. We have been shopping with Delaney (and without Delaney) and we have spent a few hours drawing different configurations of storage, bed placement, etc.

But in all of our efforts to make it special we have made little progress on actually converting the room. Every day I stare at the room, and most nights I sit and think about staring at the room as I'm lying in bed, and not much has been purchased or planned. I have decided on a garden theme and have purchased the sheets and odd decor. But as far as the actual BED or furniture nothing has been done. My OCD tendencies are crying out to get this thing moving but the perfectionist in me wants to make sure we're doing it right.

THEN there's the fact that Delaney loves her crib. She has never once tried to get out even though I know she could and have seen her perform far more daring and risky stunts. And if I move her into the big girl bed, am I just asking for trouble and asking her to get up a few times a night and come and get me?!?! Am I just forcing this? Should I just let her stay put and let the baby sleep in the pack-n-play in the guest room? But the baby room is all dialed in for those first 6 months of nurturing, complete with the changing table, nursing chair, crib, black-out curtain, etc. And all of the furniture is bolted to the wall.

Decisions, decisions. I suppose that in the grand scheme of things the space layout of our rooms is a pretty minor thing to worry about. Moreso I should be thinking about adding a wonderful little bundle of joy into our lives in a few months, and how to make sure my stress level stays in check so that I am mostly concerned about loving, nurturing, changing and feeding the baby. :)

Attachment issues

I have already droned on and on about this to a few people so I apologize if this is repetitive. Last week we found out that we're having a boy, which is pretty much what we both wanted since originally we had decided that one of each sex would be pretty much perfect. And I knew Kevin really wanted a boy so I was even more happy for him that he will have a son and buddy through life.

My friend Meg called and said she was shipping off a box of clothing since she is now having a daughter and won't need her son's clothes anymore. Which is really great and I promised to do the same thing with my girl clothes.

So I proceeded to the basement and extracted the 0-6 month bins of clothes for my precious Delaney. All of a sudden I was overcome with sadness at the thought of parting with all of these clothes. The clothes brought back tons of memories and images of my precious darling daughter as an infant. I sat there on the ground and just stared endlessly at the piles of onesie's, footed pj's, dresses, sleep sacks, etc. It just didn't feel right to part with them, like giving away her clothes was like giving away a little part of her. The rational side of me realized that they were just items of clothing (a fair amount of them gifts or hand-me-downs to begin with) and that I wasn't actually shipping Delaney off to California. It was just some cotton and poly blends, right? Then why was I so attached to these clothes? Maybe it's because I was afraid of losing the Delaney legacy by having a boy. Maybe I was hoping deep down that maybe we'd have another girl. Maybe I grow to attached to THINGS. All of which are possibilities.

After some long ruminating, I've decided that a big part of it is the fear that by giving away her clothes I am giving away the memories. It's silly to think that by holding on to the clothes I will be more likely to remember all of the images and times we spent when she was an infant. But maybe that's the best reasoning I have to explain why it was so darn hard to part with them. I find that my memory is not as good as it used to be, especially since getting pregnant with Delaney and especially after having her. It's like your brain gets so filled up with love and thoughts about your child that in order to make space a lot of other stuff gets pushed out. And Delaney was fussy and colicky to boot, so I did not do a good job of documenting milestones and memories in her early months. Hopefully this blog will help me continue to write and remember how my children are and then I won't get so emotional about shipping off some ducky pj's.

The good news is that I am sending the clothes along to one of my dearest friends ever and her precious bundle of girl joy (Danica) will be able to wear all of the clothes. Heck, some of the clothes Delaney wore as an infant came from Meg's older sister Debbie, so what better person to get Delaney's clothes?

I vow to be a better documenter of my children's lives so I don't have any lingering guilt about remembering it all, and clinging unnecessarily to objects instead of the memories themselves.

We find out tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound where we find out the sex of our little nugget. I felt like I was doing ok with the suspense, but today it seems to be getting at me a bit and I find it hard to concentrate. My good friend Courtney (yes, I have a friend with the same name) just found out today she's having a boy. I'm so happy for her, but really she could have told me girl and I would have been just as thrilled.



People have been asking me about my gut feeling. My gut is telling me girl, and I've had a dream involving having another baby that looked just like Delaney, so much so that we thought they were identical twins born 2.5 years apart. In the dream I remember the nurses going to get the doctors to see if identical twins had ever been born 2.5 years apart. Funny. But my pregnancy has been drastically different this time around so that gives me an inkling of boy. Last time I felt like I had one of those terrible hangovers where your body aches, you can't eat anything but bad food and you have a headache (for the entire 9 months, keep in mind). This time I feel like a roly poly weeble wobble character that is happy all the time. I am enjoying this one much more. :)

Dear Delaney

May 5, 2007

Dear Delaney,

This past weekend you turned two years old. It feels like yesterday that your dad and I were walking tirelessly around North Boulder Park egging you on to speed up labor and make your presence known to us and the world. Then again when I see a tiny baby and look at you next to that baby, I realize that a huge chapter of our lives has passed. A lot of people have asked me if I’m sad about closing the Delaney baby stage and moving on to childhood, and while I don’t think I’m sad about it, I get very emotional just thinking about you and having you in my life. In fact I have postponed writing this letter because I knew that even the process of it would be deeply emotional. I have concluded I am not sad about you turning two because I am so proud of the little girl you are becoming. It would be hard to confuse or mix sadness with that pride.

Part of the reason I would like to write this letter, and hopefully others to come, is that I want you to understand a little more about what you were like as a child. And what it was like to be your parent. When I ask the older generation about raising their kids their memories are often hazy, or what I hear in response to questions are confident replies about how they just “handled it”. My parents and others of their generation make it sound easy. I don’t think it’s easy. It’s the hardest job I have ever had. It’s a constant learning process where you are questioning and evaluating the things you say, the decisions you make, the lines you draw and the paths you provide. Maybe some of my insights will help you when you have children of your own. I also want you to understand that being your parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.

You have grown so much in the last year. You went from being a very good eater to a moderately picky one. Quesadillas, grilled cheese, tortellini and fruit top your list of favorite foods. You also have a soft spot for smoothies, and I have shamelessly encouraged this by purchasing you one every time we go to the grocery store. I am pretty sure you think the grocery store is a place where smoothies flow like a river.

All of your teeth have come in, which is a great relief to everyone in the house. You took each tooth arrival like a punch in the face and let us know about it regularly. I am glad that you appear to have picked up my immune system and have rarely been sick in the last year (aside from a constant runny nose).

You are a great sleeper, although a very light sleeper, which is difficult in our tiny house where your bedroom is so close to our living space. We are amazed that you have not once attempted to get out of your crib despite the fact that we know you can. I suspect you like its comfort and feel at peace in its confines. Whenever we travel and you are forced to sleep near us, we brace ourselves for the inevitable cries that come in the middle of the night because you think it should be party time. Since your last birthday you have traveled to Seattle (to attend our friend Katie’s wedding), Washington DC, and San Diego. I would be lying if I said you were easy to travel with on those trips. Despite my best attempts at full magic bags full of distractions, you are still a high energy demanding child when it comes to moving from place-to-place and being forced to sit still. Long car rides have improved, but you are still uneasy at being forced to sit there without moving.

You show a moderate interest in television, which is a great attribute most of the time except for when your dad is out of town and I really need a few minutes to catch up on housework or cooking. You like Elmo and his “world” as well as Sesame Street. I had hoped the Elmo’s Potty Time video would cause enough interest that you would start to like the potty, but alas that has not happened yet. I am not rushing you into potty training, although when we start spending more time together this summer I will press the issue a bit more.

When you turned one you were being watched by a nanny full time during the week. When Ellen decided to hang up her nanny career last October we moved you to a new daycare/preschool and braced ourselves for the tired and cranky girl we had known when you were at your old school. We were pleasantly surprised to find that you were not cranky at the end of your days and instead were quite cheery and alert when we picked you up. Jasper, Matt, Abilene, Anaiah, Eben, George, Anders and Izze are all names we hear about quite frequently. Your dad and I are constantly amazed by what you learn at school and how suddenly you will spring a new word or song on us at home. It is obvious when I pick you up that you are happy there and you enjoy being around your classmates and your teachers (Stacey and Melinda). Even though I am thrilled that you like your school, I have longed to spend more time with you and less at work, to be a closer witness to your amazing life.

Transitions have been a bit challenging for you over the last few months. It is not uncommon to see you upset when you are forced to get into your clothes at the start of the day and subsequently to see you upset when you are forced to get out of them at the end of the day. At about 20 months you started to care passionately about what item of clothing was being selected for you. It usually sounds something like “noooooooooooooooo, not the heart shirt, no heart shirt mommy, I don’t want the heart shirt mommy”. Coming in from outside, getting into the car, getting out of the bath and leaving the park are all examples of things that require serious cajoling on our part. Despite how difficult it is to move you from these activities, I appreciate the hedonistic side of you that doesn’t want to stop what is bringing you joy.

While you are not a snuggler by nature, you do have a very soft affectionate side that likes to dole out kisses and hugs. Some of your best qualities are sharing, constant verbal communication and a wild sense of adventure. I love to watch you laugh, smile and bop through the world. It pleases me enormously when you say please and thank you, and you are getting better at that every day.

The aspects of your personality that make it challenging to be your parent, namely stubbornness, restlessness and having a firm belief of what you want and need, are all things that will suit you well as you grow older. I know that I am in for some heated battles of wills over the years and I think your dad and I are up to the challenge. We have recognized that you are the type that needs boundaries and clear expectations. We will do our best to make those reasonable and obvious.

After a long arduous process of internal debates about my career and life, I have decided to leave my job this July. I am looking forward to spending more time with you and your baby brother/sister who is due in September. I have been looking forward to this day since I returned to work three months after you were born. My hope for you as you grow older is that there are more corporate positions available for women who truly want a part time schedule. I think we have a long way to go as a country in providing these types of jobs for smart women like us.

I hope to continue to provide a loving and stable environment for you in the coming year. I am looking forward to many hugs, kisses, smiles, new words, and of course, tears. I am looking forward to being your teacher and student. We have a lot to learn together and that excites me. Delaney, Laney, Bug, Bugaboo, Delaneybug and Little D. Here we come, age two.

Love,
Mom

Sesame Street Lives

Recently Delaney has shown some interest in watching Sesame Street. She is not a big TV-watcher in general and most of the time she requires that you watch it with her, which ultimately is not always convenient when I'm about to cook dinner. But I like that she CAN occasionally be occupied by the TV for a few odd minutes when there is absolutely something I have to get done.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about Sesame Street that has finally grabbed her atention. Likely it's the combination of her fondness for Elmo (through the Elmo Potty video) and other funny looking puppets. Both Kevin and I have sat through several episodes with her to try and explain what is going on.

I was shocked and impressed to see that a lot of the human characters on the show are the SAME ones from when we were kids. Maria is the same, Gordon (although he apparently is not the original Gordon from 1969), Bob and a few others have been on the show for 30 some odd years. That's amazing to me! Imagine how many children those actors have touched over the years. I have to wonder when Maria took the job back in 1972 if she thought it would be this nice side-gig to help her pay the rent occasionally. Who knew it would be going strong nearly 40 years after it started.

Delaney's favorite part of SS is definitely Elmo's World. If she is watching it by herself she always comes and finds me to let me know that Elmo's World is on. My favorite part of SS are the funny guest stars and their songs. One of our Tivo'd episodes has REM singing "Shiny, Happy, Monsters" which Delaney has started to sing when the show isn't even on.

I think that for this age range (1-3 years old) this kind of television show is pretty much the best thing going. Sure a lot of the other animated and live action shows on Sprout, Noggin and Nick are educational and add value. But it seems like Sesame Street is the perfect combination of education, fantasy, culture, understanding, acceptance, etc. I appreciate that they make it fun to watch with your kids, especially since that's pretty much how we're going about it currently.

Delaney might be as trainable as our dog

Delaney has now gone pee-pee in the potty twice in one week. Yeah! I don't think it's the start of a permanent trend, but at least we are heading in the right direction. One piece of good news is that Delaney seems very motivated by food, which maybe means she'll be like our dog Lucy, and learn things very quickly in order to get payout. I am thinking I should get out the clicker noise maker we used with Lucy and see if it works when we're in Target and Delaney desperately wants to bring home EVERY toy she sees. Hm.

Cookies and M&M's are the treats offered as reward for going potty, and when you say the words pee-pee, poo-poo, or potty usually Delaney will inquisitively say "cookie?" So I think she's made that connection, whether or not she will actually do the deed now on the potty, remains to be seen.

We have set a goal to get her daytime potty trained by the time baby #2 arrives. So we have roughly 6 months. When we first said that it seemed like a long way away, but now that seems like a really short period of time.

A lot of parents I have talked to said that you can't force deadlines on your kids and often they will dictate the pace with which they potty train. Which I believe there is some truth to, but there also has to be a component of education, incentives and consistency that plays a factor in how it happens.

Time will tell, and we will see how successful we are in the next few months as we ratchet up our efforts to get her sitting on the potty.

Funny little snippet

One of Delaney's classmates got a baby sister last week. Delaney's been talking about it a lot. Usually after mentioning Matt's baby sister, an inquisitive "Laney's baby sister?" question arises. And my usual response to that is "Mommy's working on it". (Or Mommy and Daddy are working on it).

When I dropped Delaney off at school the other day I leaned down to kiss her goodbye and told her I was going to work. Then she excitedly said "Laney's baby sister!", as if "working on it" and "going to work" were both things that would get Laney a baby sister.

The middle-of-the-night wake-up, version 2

The other night I spent about a half hour comforting my sweet baby daughter from a bad dream. I do not like getting up in the middle-of-the-night (who does?) but every now again when it happens I have to marvel and be thankful that I'm able to provide for such a wonderful little creature.

We layed together on her floor, with both of our heads resting on her big puffy pink bean bag. For a while we were spooning, something I almost never get a chance to do with my little squirmbug. Actually there isn't much cuddling or snuggling when it comes to Delaney. But in the middle of the night, when she's really tired, she will on occasion nuzzle in for some good ole fashioned Mom comfort.

She layed still for most of our time together and I was continually whispering about how everything was going to be ok, how much I loved her, and how much she means to me. I even whisper-sang a few lullabye's to try and make it better. I diligently but lightly scratched her back, shoulders, legs and arms. It was still dark in her room but as I ran my fingers through her hair, I could see her gentle wavy curls bounce back after my fingers had been removed. I could see her luminous eyes and long eyelashes. I could also see that her thumb was jammed into her mouth and getting a good workout. I couldn't help but take that moment and reflect on what a wonderful creature was laying next to me. How far we've come since that first day and how much farther we're going to get to travel. They say time flies with your kids and while I would mostly agree, I would say there were definitely times in the last 21 months that it didn't fly. But then you lay there in the middle-of-the-night with this magnificent, sturdy, opinionated little GIRL and you realize that it IS flying by.

So, in a strange way, I thanked Delaney for getting me out of bed and letting me reflect on how this wonderful little creature is growing up right before my eyes. And you know it was special if I actually THANKED Delaney for getting me up at midnight.

The middle-of-the-night wake-ups, version 1

The other night I was exhausted from not getting enough sleep and decided to go to bed at 8:30. This is something that is virtually impossible to do when Kevin is in town because he refuses to go to bed that early and putzes around in our room and bathroom, usually making it impossible for me to do it. (One benefit of being home alone!)

At some point in the middle of the night I hear shrieking from Delaney's room and I jump up and start stumbling towards her room. I have no idea how long I've been asleep, but I do realize that I really need to pee. O well, must go get Delaney.

I walk in there and she immediately stops crying and seems very surprised to see me. She is standing in her crib and looking sad, confused and tired. I rub her back and then she puts her arms up with a look on her face like "you're here already, may as well give me some comfort". So I oblige. We lay down on the floor together and I tell her that she probably had a bad dream and it's definitely time to go back to sleep. Then Lucy shows up and starts licking us. Then Ellie shows up and starts wailing. Now we've got a party! Exactly what I don't want. Delaney asks me to change her diaper, but it barely has anything in it so I'm not sure why she has asked, but then she asks for a few Puffs crackers (which we keep on the changing table for those particularly rowdy diaper changes) and I realize it was all about food. Little stinker.

I put her back in bed, rub her legs for a bit and tell her to go back to sleep because tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow is no bigger than any other day, to her, but to me any day without Kevin is a big day. Miraculously she seems like she is going to listen to this logic, or to her what probably sounds like "blah blah blah blah sleep blah blah blah day".

I go back to bed and then notice Lucy needs to go outside. Ok, I'll get up. O wait, I have to pee, that's right. Then I need water. I let Lucy back in and then I get settled. Not two minutes later I hear Ellie wailing in the hallway in front of Delaney's room. Argh! I have to get up and bring her to bed, force her in my armpit and scratch her cheek until she is content enough to stay and stop meowing.

Finally, an hour later, it's now 1am, and I'm ready for bed. So much for that extra sleep!

Co-ed life awaits

This is my last week before school starts. School? What? Yep, you heard it right, school. Back story is below.

As many new moms discover, that perfect balance of working and staying home is near impossible to find. I don't know too many women who will openly say that they have the perfect balance (the rich are excluded). A lot of the full-time working moms I know wish they could be home more. And stay-at-home moms often wish they had something other than parenting to do at least a few hours a week. (I do actually know a few women who love not having to work anymore, and don't ever plan to go back, but they are few and far between.)

I did not know what I would feel like after I had my first child. I thought I might want to go back to work full time, but also thought I might want to stay home full time. 20 months into this journey of motherhood I know a lot more about what I want in the balance. If I could mold my week-day life with a bunch of non-existent "life creating clay", I would choose to work about 10 hours a week, reserve 5 hours to do personal/workout things, and spend the remaining time with Delaney. The big problem there is that finding child care for such a small amount of time per week is really hard, especially if you want anyone reputable. And any job that will take you for that small amount of time generally does not pay you enough to cover the child care.

It's harder for my generation (X, in case you were wondering) to stay home full time after having children for a few reasons. First and foremost we are having children later than our parents had us. Because of this most of us have spent a lot of years building a career, getting secondary educations, and climbing whatever corporate ladder (sometimes a few different ones) before marriage was even in the picture. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but the majority of my friends did not have children until they were 30 (the California bias in location of my friends is a big factor here). I think the habit of working and succeeding pulls at women more when you have done it for 10+ years. One other big factor is the increase in cost-of-living. I know what my parents paid in mortgage in the early 70's (and Kevin's parents) was significantly less as a percentage of their monthly income, than it is for us today. And the last reason I have noticed, and this is really just my personal circle, is that older women are encouraging women like me to keep their working foot in the door. They know first-hand how hard it is to enter the working world after taking many years off while their children are young. Increase in divorce, lack of personal identity, and financial contributions are all other reasons I have heard older women use as encouragement to keep working. Even my mother-in-law Jo, who staunchly believes I should be home full time, would admit that keeping a tiny bit of my career going wouldn't be a bad idea.

I have crunched our financial numbers a lot over the last 20 months in the hopes that I will come out with a statement at the end that says "Result = Courtney quits". But darnit if every time I crunch those numbers it comes out in the "Result = pipe dreaming again". Our mortgage is too expensive and would be greater than 50% of Kevin's take home income if I were to quit.

So I've been thinking, and talking, and listening to other mom's over the last year and a half to see if I could create a more satisfying balance. Just about every day I wish that my work situation was different, and after 450+ days of thinking that, it starts to wear on you. I can think and think all I want and it's not going to bring about a different life. So I need to act.

Enter school. I have looked at some close acquiantances, most notably my friend Lara, and watched how they manage the work-parent balance in the teaching profession. I think it depends on what grade or subject is taught, but by and large what I have observed is that most teachers who are also moms are pretty happy with their balance. Especially if they have a teaching job that doesn't require a lot of after school work (I realize those are few and far between).

So I am going back to school to get my teaching credential for elementary school. Ideally it will be followed with a masters is ESL or literacy, one of the teaching specialties that requires a masters degree. These specialties allow you to work with smaller groups of children and are also typically more willing to carve out a part time schedule if you would like it.

When I tell people about my career switch, most people ask "is teaching what you always wanted to do?", to which I usually have to reply "no". But working as an Ecommerce Marketing Manager for a software company is not at all what I wanted to do either. So why not actually do something that works better with my kid/s schedules and also makes a difference in a childs life? At least there's that at the end of the day.

A few people have asked what I would do if I REALLY had the opportunity to start from scratch. The answer is probably writing movie reviews, music reviews or working with animals. I am in the process of writing movie reviews for every movie I see as a side interest to working/parenting/going to school. Sounds easy, right? You can't consider writing movie reviews until you have a lot of them under your belt and can prove that you can write. So if something were to happen on that front while I am getting my teaching credential, great.

Otherwise it's off to co-ed life for the next 1-4 years to get the credentials necessary to teach our youth.

Wonderful time with my little girl

We are almost done with our 9-day-stint without Kevin, as he has been traveling for work in China and Japan. I was excited to hear when Kevin got his new job that he would be traveling less as he could hire product managers to do a lot of factory management. But come to find out that he would still be doing roughly the same number of trips, but the duration of the travel would be less. I suppose this is already in effect since this is only a 9-day trip, unlike his 2+ week trips of old.

The worst part of the travel trips are the weekends. During the weekdays since I work we tend to find a very nice rhythm to our evenings (mornings are far more chaotic, but they are manageable). Even weekends aren't difficult anymore, but we both really miss Kevin during the longer days.

We miss his cheery disposition in the morning, his pancakes, enthusiastic trips to the park, his passion for all things sports-related, his elaborate meal preparations on Sunday and above all his company. We are such a family unit on the weekends that it feels very incomplete without him.

All-in-all Delaney and I had a wonderful time together. It's nice to just figure things out with the two of us. She has to fend for herself a little more as I make meals, clean up and get dressed, but that's probably not a terrible thing. She seemed happy to be hanging out with me and in fact seemed very sad this morning to be going to school (something she normally isn't). It made me feel good to be able to bond with her for a short bit of time.

We went to dinner with a friend, three parties, the grocery store, ran errands, went sledding (although that failed quite miserably), colored, watched orangutans on TV, shared a lot of meals, showered together and read lots and lots o'books. She's fun to be around and we had a wonderful time together. But we want Kevin back. :)