Funny little snippet

One of Delaney's classmates got a baby sister last week. Delaney's been talking about it a lot. Usually after mentioning Matt's baby sister, an inquisitive "Laney's baby sister?" question arises. And my usual response to that is "Mommy's working on it". (Or Mommy and Daddy are working on it).

When I dropped Delaney off at school the other day I leaned down to kiss her goodbye and told her I was going to work. Then she excitedly said "Laney's baby sister!", as if "working on it" and "going to work" were both things that would get Laney a baby sister.

The middle-of-the-night wake-up, version 2

The other night I spent about a half hour comforting my sweet baby daughter from a bad dream. I do not like getting up in the middle-of-the-night (who does?) but every now again when it happens I have to marvel and be thankful that I'm able to provide for such a wonderful little creature.

We layed together on her floor, with both of our heads resting on her big puffy pink bean bag. For a while we were spooning, something I almost never get a chance to do with my little squirmbug. Actually there isn't much cuddling or snuggling when it comes to Delaney. But in the middle of the night, when she's really tired, she will on occasion nuzzle in for some good ole fashioned Mom comfort.

She layed still for most of our time together and I was continually whispering about how everything was going to be ok, how much I loved her, and how much she means to me. I even whisper-sang a few lullabye's to try and make it better. I diligently but lightly scratched her back, shoulders, legs and arms. It was still dark in her room but as I ran my fingers through her hair, I could see her gentle wavy curls bounce back after my fingers had been removed. I could see her luminous eyes and long eyelashes. I could also see that her thumb was jammed into her mouth and getting a good workout. I couldn't help but take that moment and reflect on what a wonderful creature was laying next to me. How far we've come since that first day and how much farther we're going to get to travel. They say time flies with your kids and while I would mostly agree, I would say there were definitely times in the last 21 months that it didn't fly. But then you lay there in the middle-of-the-night with this magnificent, sturdy, opinionated little GIRL and you realize that it IS flying by.

So, in a strange way, I thanked Delaney for getting me out of bed and letting me reflect on how this wonderful little creature is growing up right before my eyes. And you know it was special if I actually THANKED Delaney for getting me up at midnight.

The middle-of-the-night wake-ups, version 1

The other night I was exhausted from not getting enough sleep and decided to go to bed at 8:30. This is something that is virtually impossible to do when Kevin is in town because he refuses to go to bed that early and putzes around in our room and bathroom, usually making it impossible for me to do it. (One benefit of being home alone!)

At some point in the middle of the night I hear shrieking from Delaney's room and I jump up and start stumbling towards her room. I have no idea how long I've been asleep, but I do realize that I really need to pee. O well, must go get Delaney.

I walk in there and she immediately stops crying and seems very surprised to see me. She is standing in her crib and looking sad, confused and tired. I rub her back and then she puts her arms up with a look on her face like "you're here already, may as well give me some comfort". So I oblige. We lay down on the floor together and I tell her that she probably had a bad dream and it's definitely time to go back to sleep. Then Lucy shows up and starts licking us. Then Ellie shows up and starts wailing. Now we've got a party! Exactly what I don't want. Delaney asks me to change her diaper, but it barely has anything in it so I'm not sure why she has asked, but then she asks for a few Puffs crackers (which we keep on the changing table for those particularly rowdy diaper changes) and I realize it was all about food. Little stinker.

I put her back in bed, rub her legs for a bit and tell her to go back to sleep because tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow is no bigger than any other day, to her, but to me any day without Kevin is a big day. Miraculously she seems like she is going to listen to this logic, or to her what probably sounds like "blah blah blah blah sleep blah blah blah day".

I go back to bed and then notice Lucy needs to go outside. Ok, I'll get up. O wait, I have to pee, that's right. Then I need water. I let Lucy back in and then I get settled. Not two minutes later I hear Ellie wailing in the hallway in front of Delaney's room. Argh! I have to get up and bring her to bed, force her in my armpit and scratch her cheek until she is content enough to stay and stop meowing.

Finally, an hour later, it's now 1am, and I'm ready for bed. So much for that extra sleep!

Prometrium is making me a little nutty

I am still taking my prometrium pills (progesterone) three times a day (that is, when I can remember it). I realized, as I was crying last night watching the movie Waitress, that it's making me a bit emotional. Then as I wanted to kill my dog and my child this morning, I realized it was also giving me a temper. Lovely! Yeah prometrium!

I called the nurse who said most of the time they keep patients on it until 12 weeks, although if everything is looking healthy next week they might reduce it a bit.

I have quit caffeine entirely, but every other day I come down with a rip roaring headache that can only be cured with two or three sips of a Coke. I feel immensely better after that.

Still no symptoms of pregnancy, with the exception of sore breasts, which can almost assuredly be associated with the freaky deaky high levels of progesterone flying around my body. I don't feel sick, or particularly tired, or, well, pregnant. But I'm trying to keep an open positive mind about this. We had great weather this past weekend and that helped a LOT. Then Kevin left and I got pissed and overwhelmed almost immediately.

I can't wait until next Tuesday. I took the day off from work so I wouldn't have to worry about being away from work for so long. :)

Things I love about Colorado

1. Wearing scarves. I love accessorizing with scarves. Anytime the temp is below 30, I wear a scarf all day. It makes it a little more bearable that it's THAT FRIGGIN COLD.
2. Looking at the mountains. They are pretty in the winter, pretty in the spring, pretty in the summer and pretty in the fall.
3. The months of May, June, September and the first week of October. Everything else is too cold or too hot.
4. Knowing where everything is in Boulder. I know where every shop is, every restaurant, every item in the grocery store, and even most street names.
5. Being able to walk to most everything we need on the weekends. The grocery store is often the only place I take my car on the weekends.
6. North Boulder Park -- this park is one block away and has wonderful events all through the spring and summer. Music in the park on Sunday is a favorite.
7. Sunsets -- we get some epic sunsets here, especially in the summer.
8. We are close to both coasts, and flights to the east are not that far and flights to the west are even shorter.
9. Pearl Street. We have a great downtown that is perfect for a rambling night where you don't know what you want to eat or drink. Plenty of good happy hour choices. Roof top bars in the summer. The Halloween festival, the Pearl Street Mile, and Concerts on Wednesday nights in the summer. I would miss Pearl Street if we ever moved.

You thought there would be 10, didn't you? Sorry. I'm stopping at 9.

Spinning mad tunes on my iPod

Those that know the long history of Courtney, understand the importance of music in my life. (Sorry, Delaney has me talking in the third person).

I go in waves of music but it's always important to me. iTunes and iPods have improved my life greatly. Immensely. Stupendously. I wouldn't even consider going away for a trip, a long car ride, or even starting an intense cleaning project, without having a timely iMix created for my listening pleasure. I've always loved music and especially live music. I can't think of many other ways I'd like to spend a night out than at a small intimate club listening to a great band. Some of my fondest memories with Kevin and friends are at concerts. A little bit of unknown trivia is that the Barenaked Ladies were one of the big reasons Kevin and I started corresponding in the first place (I didn't know too many other fans back in 1998).

I believe there's a time and place for all kinds of music. Even Britney Spears. I laugh when music critics, or critics in general, dismiss an artist or type of music as crap. It may be crap to them but it means something to someone, somewhere. If there's a song that can bring you out of your funk, or causes you to stop everything and sing the chorus, just know there's someone else out there doing that exact thing for "Hit Me Baby One More Time". More often than not I can understand and appreciate a song for having value of some sort.

I can't put my musical taste squarely into any one category. If I have to choose a few, I suppose I'll go with alternative, hip-hop and folk. However, I am a huge sucker for a good pop song, a rocking good head banger or a melodic country tune.

I am spinning some particularly good tunes on my iPod currently, as I am going through a new phase of discovery, with new artists and new songs. I love that I can go onto iTunes and buy just ONE song from an artist. It makes that iMix task all that much better. So here's my recommendations, in case you have some spare time or spare cash on hand for some new downloads.

Carbon Leaf -- They are not new and not actually new to me (first heard them in Eugene in 2003). They are talented, fresh, melodic, energetic, at times gritty and to boot really nice guys. If I had to describe them, I suppose I would say a cross between REM, The Fray and an Irish folk band. They are amazing live, they fall into that rare category of bands that I would go see two nights in a row. Go buy the whole Indian Summer cd. You won't regret it. They are the single best musical discovery I have made in the last 10 years. (Sidenote: Barry, the lead singer, is also mighty fine eye candy.)

Bands you might have heard of that deserve a further listen: Ray LaMontagne, Amos Lee, and Josh Radin. Josh needs to start putting out new stuff, and I would love it if he'd write about something OTHER than a break-up, I have faith it's coming soon.

Cheesy, pop-py, but can't help but sing along: I have to admit I heard a bunch of these songs on The Hills. Kevin gets downright angry when I tell him I found a song there BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD SHOULD COME OF THAT SHOW.
Sara Bareilles - If I have her playing in the car I always end up turning up it up and singing full pitch like I was auditioning for American Idol. It might be cheesy, but it's oh-so-good-melted-brie-dripping-down-my-chin-satisfaction. Download Between The Lines and Gravity.
Lifehouse -- Yeah, they've been around for a while, but they sure can write a catch-phrase. I love the grit in his voice especially in the ballads. Download Broken, Whatever It Takes and Broken.
Suzie McNeil -- Download Believe.
A Fine Frenzy -- Download Think of You and Almost Lover. Her voice is like Jewel but more vulnerable and mellow.
Matt White -- Kevin can relax because I did not hear him on the Hills. The music engine of iTunes told me I might like him based on some other music I had purchased. His lyrics are full of syrup, and so is his voice, but it's good enough to keep appearing on my iMixes. Wait for Love and Midnight Desire are particularly good.

Alternative cheesy, a bit more grit than the cheese above:
Matt Nathanson: I liked him immediately when I saw him open for Carbon Leaf. Of course his SF roots made him even more likable, but his music is "hold up month after month" good. I will have to recommend you get a whole cd, instead of a few downloads. Beneath These Fireworks is a great album, and his new one is good too (although I forget the name).
Needtobreathe: They could easily be in the above category, but there's some nice writing in the one single, More Time.
Angels and Airwaves: They remind me a lot of some of the cooler bands in the 80's like Hothouse Flowers, Big Country, and The Alarm. Their drum beats are so uptempo that I think they cross over into a little bubble gum every now and again.

Crap, I'm out of time but I have a TON of other bands to mention. I guess another post, another day.

Double your pleasure, double your fun

Isn't that the Doublemint ad? Did I get that wrong?

My BHCG numbers doubled again. Phew. For those keeping track I am at 424.55. In order to have doubled they needed to be a minimum of 382. And progesterone is rocking solid at 50.

So we're in the clear for a little while. I don't know when I'll test again, but I'd guess not until next week.

Thanks to all who have been supportive and concerned. Having infertility in your past is really no fun at all. Only those who have been through it can understand fully.

My head is going to explode

Kevin it out of town this week. And next week. And the week after. Sigh.

The list of responsibilities I have to remember is weighing on me, my shoulders feel heavy and he's only been gone for 3 hours.

I thought I'd break it down by living creature in the house. And the house itself, which seems to be a living creature when Kevin goes out of town.

So there's Delaney, which amounts to these daily tasks:
Morning bottle (yes, she's still on one, and I love that it takes her 5 minutes to consume 9 oz of high fat calories)
Getting dressed
Pony tail creation
Into the car and dropped off at daycare
Picked up from daycare by 5:30
Dinner
Books, books, books
Coloring and many smooches before nighty-night
Fill up her humidifier if it needs it

There's Lucy, which entails these items:
Morning food
Evening food
Trips outside for bathroom
Some kind of exercise

Our old girl Ellie, which is a bit more involved than Lucy:
Morning food
Evening food
Blood pressure medication
Annoying loud meowing at random times during the night because Kevin is gone and I don't like to sleep with her (although I do, begrudgingly, because it's better than the meowing)

Then there's me. I guess I am the most high maintenance out there.
Progesterone pills 3x a day (which feels in itself like enough of a responsibility for one person)
Prenatal vitamin
Fiber juice smoothie twice a day (because of the aforementioned prenatals)
3 mandatory meals a day (otherwise the progesterone will make me sick)
Work 30 hours a week
School 12 hours a week
Studying
Cleaning the house
Laundry
Running and emptying the dishwasher
Shoveling the snow in front and back of the house
Buying groceries
Paying the bills
Random trips to the hospital to give blood

I'm sure there are other things I'm not even thinking of, things that need doing and things that need my emotional attention, but it took a lot just to create this list. It's amazing what motherhood will do to someone. My days are completely filled. There is no dead space. I fit more in than I ever thought I could, and then when Kevin goes out of town, even more. I just hope I don't leave the house one of these mornings without Delaney.

I'm pregnant

I wasn't sure I was going to talk about this on my blog, but I figured I am a pretty open book, and those that know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to intimate details. If I didn't share these things with friends, or write about them, there would be a huge part of my life that I would be leaving out. I know it makes some people uncomfortable to talk about pregnancy loss, but again, with me it's a bit of a package.

So last Wednesday I started spotting and figured my period had arrived. Which threw me into a bit of a fit because Kevin is out of town for the next 3 weeks and knew that I would have zero chance of getting pregnant next month. Which puts us into the holidays, and a Christmas baby, yada-yada.

Anyway, on Thursday I noticed that it didn't really develop into a period and was instead just spotting. So on Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold there were two dark lines, clear as day. But I was still bleeding pretty heavily so unfortunately I didn't even have that brief moment of happiness and excitement about those two lines. Instead I had dread. Was this another ectopic? A miscarriage?

I called the doc office and they sent me in for lab work. If my progesterone was lower than 5, we were looking at ectopic #2. Other options were a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage and a normal pregnancy with implantation bleeding. So I had 4 options at that point.

Results of my labwork were progesterone was 14.7 and BHCG was 57. That eliminated ectopic which was a huge weight off my back. I had to wait until Sunday to see about my other 3 options. If my BHCG numbers doubled I would be looking ok.

Lo and behold my numbers on Sunday triped at 191. In fact more than tripled. So we've now eliminated the chemical pregnancy. That only leaves two options, but at least for now, it looks like it's LEANING towards implantation bleeding.

I have had all sorts of cramping, twingy pains and still some spotting. All of which, in addition to my past, have led me to the pessimistic thought that this isn't a viable pregnancy. But it's hard not to get up some hope and think slightly positive. It's such a fine line. I don't want to jinx anything with negative thinking, but having been through 3 other failed pregnancies where I was thrilled and only thinking positively, and it's hard not to protect yourself a little bit.

I guess I'll leave with ONE positive thought for the day. My estimated due date would be September 24, which is right near Kevin's birthday. It's also one of my favorite times of year in Colorado. :)

Frozen toes

Today I plan to go for a quick swim at lunchtime. Current temperatures outside are in the mid-teens. I'm sure you assume that the pool is indoors so it's not that big of a deal, but the pool I am choosing to visit at lunch is in fact AN OUTDOOR POOL. There will be some frozen toes from the locker room until I get into that pool. Brrrr.

I started school yesterday. I am in a class full of undergrads, which is slightly depressing. I guess the teaching licensure program requires a lot of the same classes that undergrads take when they major in Education. Ho hum. They seem so very YOUNG. And I feel so very OLD.

I am currently scheming to make a proposal to my boss to move away from full time status (30 hours) into contractor status. I am not sure it will fly, and I think I have to wait at least another month to do it, but reducing my hours even just a little bit more feels necessary to not lose a few notches on my sanity belt.

American Idol started last night, so at least I know how I'll be spending my couch time during the week.

Biz Biz Markey

I have been super biz "Biz Markey" busy.

School starts this week and I had my semi-annual sales conference for work all last week. In addition to our company holiday party on Friday and hosting my book club on Saturday. Sheesh!

So I should be back to regular programming soon.

I bought my new super fancy slick bad mamma jamma MacBook today so I should be on the computer a lot playing around.

My 2008 Zen Calendar gives me quotes every day to read and ponder in the midst of my busy hectic days. I got one that I liked on Friday. I will leave you all with it today....

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." --Thich Nhat Hanh

Co-ed life awaits

This is my last week before school starts. School? What? Yep, you heard it right, school. Back story is below.

As many new moms discover, that perfect balance of working and staying home is near impossible to find. I don't know too many women who will openly say that they have the perfect balance (the rich are excluded). A lot of the full-time working moms I know wish they could be home more. And stay-at-home moms often wish they had something other than parenting to do at least a few hours a week. (I do actually know a few women who love not having to work anymore, and don't ever plan to go back, but they are few and far between.)

I did not know what I would feel like after I had my first child. I thought I might want to go back to work full time, but also thought I might want to stay home full time. 20 months into this journey of motherhood I know a lot more about what I want in the balance. If I could mold my week-day life with a bunch of non-existent "life creating clay", I would choose to work about 10 hours a week, reserve 5 hours to do personal/workout things, and spend the remaining time with Delaney. The big problem there is that finding child care for such a small amount of time per week is really hard, especially if you want anyone reputable. And any job that will take you for that small amount of time generally does not pay you enough to cover the child care.

It's harder for my generation (X, in case you were wondering) to stay home full time after having children for a few reasons. First and foremost we are having children later than our parents had us. Because of this most of us have spent a lot of years building a career, getting secondary educations, and climbing whatever corporate ladder (sometimes a few different ones) before marriage was even in the picture. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but the majority of my friends did not have children until they were 30 (the California bias in location of my friends is a big factor here). I think the habit of working and succeeding pulls at women more when you have done it for 10+ years. One other big factor is the increase in cost-of-living. I know what my parents paid in mortgage in the early 70's (and Kevin's parents) was significantly less as a percentage of their monthly income, than it is for us today. And the last reason I have noticed, and this is really just my personal circle, is that older women are encouraging women like me to keep their working foot in the door. They know first-hand how hard it is to enter the working world after taking many years off while their children are young. Increase in divorce, lack of personal identity, and financial contributions are all other reasons I have heard older women use as encouragement to keep working. Even my mother-in-law Jo, who staunchly believes I should be home full time, would admit that keeping a tiny bit of my career going wouldn't be a bad idea.

I have crunched our financial numbers a lot over the last 20 months in the hopes that I will come out with a statement at the end that says "Result = Courtney quits". But darnit if every time I crunch those numbers it comes out in the "Result = pipe dreaming again". Our mortgage is too expensive and would be greater than 50% of Kevin's take home income if I were to quit.

So I've been thinking, and talking, and listening to other mom's over the last year and a half to see if I could create a more satisfying balance. Just about every day I wish that my work situation was different, and after 450+ days of thinking that, it starts to wear on you. I can think and think all I want and it's not going to bring about a different life. So I need to act.

Enter school. I have looked at some close acquiantances, most notably my friend Lara, and watched how they manage the work-parent balance in the teaching profession. I think it depends on what grade or subject is taught, but by and large what I have observed is that most teachers who are also moms are pretty happy with their balance. Especially if they have a teaching job that doesn't require a lot of after school work (I realize those are few and far between).

So I am going back to school to get my teaching credential for elementary school. Ideally it will be followed with a masters is ESL or literacy, one of the teaching specialties that requires a masters degree. These specialties allow you to work with smaller groups of children and are also typically more willing to carve out a part time schedule if you would like it.

When I tell people about my career switch, most people ask "is teaching what you always wanted to do?", to which I usually have to reply "no". But working as an Ecommerce Marketing Manager for a software company is not at all what I wanted to do either. So why not actually do something that works better with my kid/s schedules and also makes a difference in a childs life? At least there's that at the end of the day.

A few people have asked what I would do if I REALLY had the opportunity to start from scratch. The answer is probably writing movie reviews, music reviews or working with animals. I am in the process of writing movie reviews for every movie I see as a side interest to working/parenting/going to school. Sounds easy, right? You can't consider writing movie reviews until you have a lot of them under your belt and can prove that you can write. So if something were to happen on that front while I am getting my teaching credential, great.

Otherwise it's off to co-ed life for the next 1-4 years to get the credentials necessary to teach our youth.