Double your pleasure, double your fun

Isn't that the Doublemint ad? Did I get that wrong?

My BHCG numbers doubled again. Phew. For those keeping track I am at 424.55. In order to have doubled they needed to be a minimum of 382. And progesterone is rocking solid at 50.

So we're in the clear for a little while. I don't know when I'll test again, but I'd guess not until next week.

Thanks to all who have been supportive and concerned. Having infertility in your past is really no fun at all. Only those who have been through it can understand fully.

I'm pregnant

I wasn't sure I was going to talk about this on my blog, but I figured I am a pretty open book, and those that know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to intimate details. If I didn't share these things with friends, or write about them, there would be a huge part of my life that I would be leaving out. I know it makes some people uncomfortable to talk about pregnancy loss, but again, with me it's a bit of a package.

So last Wednesday I started spotting and figured my period had arrived. Which threw me into a bit of a fit because Kevin is out of town for the next 3 weeks and knew that I would have zero chance of getting pregnant next month. Which puts us into the holidays, and a Christmas baby, yada-yada.

Anyway, on Thursday I noticed that it didn't really develop into a period and was instead just spotting. So on Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold there were two dark lines, clear as day. But I was still bleeding pretty heavily so unfortunately I didn't even have that brief moment of happiness and excitement about those two lines. Instead I had dread. Was this another ectopic? A miscarriage?

I called the doc office and they sent me in for lab work. If my progesterone was lower than 5, we were looking at ectopic #2. Other options were a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage and a normal pregnancy with implantation bleeding. So I had 4 options at that point.

Results of my labwork were progesterone was 14.7 and BHCG was 57. That eliminated ectopic which was a huge weight off my back. I had to wait until Sunday to see about my other 3 options. If my BHCG numbers doubled I would be looking ok.

Lo and behold my numbers on Sunday triped at 191. In fact more than tripled. So we've now eliminated the chemical pregnancy. That only leaves two options, but at least for now, it looks like it's LEANING towards implantation bleeding.

I have had all sorts of cramping, twingy pains and still some spotting. All of which, in addition to my past, have led me to the pessimistic thought that this isn't a viable pregnancy. But it's hard not to get up some hope and think slightly positive. It's such a fine line. I don't want to jinx anything with negative thinking, but having been through 3 other failed pregnancies where I was thrilled and only thinking positively, and it's hard not to protect yourself a little bit.

I guess I'll leave with ONE positive thought for the day. My estimated due date would be September 24, which is right near Kevin's birthday. It's also one of my favorite times of year in Colorado. :)

Results

A lot of people have kindly inquired about the results of my test last week. So far I have not been called by my doctor to review the results in detail, but the radiologist thought everything looked good as far as he could tell on the monitor. They took a bunch of high res pics that he would review later with my doc, and then my doc will call me to discuss. In fairness they told me not to expect to hear back until today so I have been patiently waiting.

The good news is that the dye was able to pass through both tubes successfully, although the right one was slower to come around than the left. There may still be issues with the tubes, but at least the dye was able to get through and it is not blocked. I half-expected there would be a gaping hole in the tube just given the intense pains of my ectopic.

We had a wonderful Christmas in Boulder. We did not have any family visiting and instead celebrated with our Boulder family, The Cutters. We hosted breakfast and they hosted Christmas dinner.

Delaney loved her toys although had no idea why she received so many. She is still saying "Santa coming" even though we keep correcting her by saying "Santa came." O well.

We sent out Christmas cards on Monday so hopefully friends and family will receive them on Thursday and Friday of this week. :)

Infertility sucks

That was the best title I could come up with, given my especially frustrating week of trying to schedule an appointment for a test that I had hoped would make me happy.

Some, or most, or all of you know that I have had some challenges with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. This past July I had my second miscarriage and this past October had an ectopic pregnancy. Both of them were heart-wrenching and painful in different ways, I would never wish either of these experiences on any person.

After my ectopic, one of the doctors I saw in a follow-up visit suggested that I get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test can help determine if there has been any permanent damage to my tubes as a result of the ectopic, like a blocked tube, or significant scar tissue, etc. As a bonus you can also look at your uterus to determine if there are certain issues that may or may not be contributing to the other miscarriages. The HSG test needs to be done a small window of time after the first day of your menstrual cycle (5 to 9 days to be specific). The test isn't necessary but can be preventative in that it may save us from another ectopic if they find something alarming in my tube.

For the last two months I have been trying not to think about the fact that I may never conceive again, and instead focusing my energy on this test and the knowledge it will bring me. Most people, after hearing about my ectopic, would come back with some kind of response like "well at least it's over and you can move on and try again." To which I would smile and think to myself that it might NOT be over if they find something bad here, and even if they don't find anything bad the chances of ectopics recurring are extremely high. I have the looming statistic that 30% of women who have ectopics never conceive again. Period. But I just kept thinking that if I got this HSG test and everything seemed normal, I could feel optimistic about my future. For whatever stupid reason I had pinned all of my hopes on this test.

So my lovely AF (aunt flow) decides to come early this month (8 days early) which causes me surprise, but I call on Monday to make my appointment for the test.

Let me just take one quick step back and say something here about Boulder Women's Care in Boulder. I'm not afraid to call out their name because frankly I'm mad at them. All of them. The receptionist, the nurses and the docs. Boulder Women's Care is a FACTORY OB OFFICE in Boulder. They have four doctors and countless other employees and I feel like 95% of the women I know in Boulder go to BWC when they are pregnant. They are notorious for making patients wait forever for appointments and even worse it seems nearly impossible to GET an appointment. I suppose there are a few positives in that the office is close, I know all the doctors now pretty well given all of my issues, and they take my insurance.

Back to my scheduling fiasco. I call on Monday mid-day and they won't schedule the appointment and instead insist I have to speak with the doc. It takes two days to finally get through to the doctor who recommended the test, which only happened after I called after hours and LIED to the receptionist and said it was an emergency in order for her to call me back. Thankfully we spoke last night, after a few minutes of back story and reminders she was up-to-speed, agreed we'd do the test and said she'd put my chart on the schedulers desk and have her take care of it in the morning. Phew, I thought, finally I'll get this on the books. No prob, she's on it.

Mid-morning I get a call from the scheduler who says she faxed an order to radiology and I had to follow-up myself to make the appointment. Ok, no prob, I'm on it. I call. Lo and behold they can't fit me in until January 7. Since that is no where near 5 to 9 days after my period, this does me zero good. Ugh. The woman on the line senses my frustrations and says to call my doc back and get them to put STAT on the order so I can schedule it this week. Ok, no prob, I'm on it.

Of course the doc I spoke with last night is OUT today, so I am forced to leave a message for a nurse assistant who takes her own sweet time calling me back. But no prob, they're on it. When she calls and we take 20 minutes re-telling my back story (which I also had to do with the receptionist in order to get the nurse to call me) she acts like she is going to ask for the world in getting a doctor to put a stat on this order. I start to get weepy and say something like "I realize I am only a chart, and an annoying voice on the phone, and that this is asking a lot, but I just really want this test." She backs down a little and says "let me see what I can do for you, I know this is important to you." Great, finally some humanity, she's on my side, no prob, she's on it. Two hours later I get a call from the nurse that goes something like this:

"Dr. Munks says you should try to schedule an appointment at the Broadway facility, because she can't order a STAT on this test since it's not urgent".
"Well I could see how you would think it's not urgent but this test has to be done within a few days from NOW otherwise I'm SOL."
"Yeah, Dr. Munks can't give a STAT order for a test that could be done next month, or the month after."
"Oh, you have no idea how much that statement upsets me, I can't wait another month to try and have a baby. All I've done is wait."
"Well, hopefully Broadway can take you sooner, sorry that's all we can do."

You BEEEEEATCH! 10 breaths, calm, calm, calm. Maybe she's right. Maybe Broadway can take me (and it's right around the corner from our house!). No prob, I'm on it.

So I call. HA! The number I called originally this morning does all the scheduling for Broadway as well. So, great, no one is ON IT anymore. Not me, not the receptionist, the nurse assistant, the doctor or radiology. My hopes are dying.

Thinking I might be able to plead humanity to the doctor herself, I call back and leave a message for Dr. Munks, and of course have to explain for 20 minutes why I want her to call me back.

Now I'm stuck with an OB office that doesn't seem to understand I want to get pregnant (should be funny, I know), and trying to schedule a test for NEXT month that could happen anywhere between January 19 and January 31.

I've been spending the last hour, as I sit impatiently waiting for a return call, trying to put myself in their shoes. Here is my attempt. They see hundreds of patients every day, most of which have no trouble getting or staying pregnant, have never had an ectopic, and were not irrationally pinning all of their fertility hopes on some radiology test. They are not an infertility clinic. I get it, I suppose. What's another month in a lifetime?

Switching to a fertility specialist seems like a good idea, right? But as soon as you see the infertility specialists, the insurance is gone. This particular test is at least $600, most of which would have been covered by my insurance at Boulder Women's Care. So now I'm thinking... how much is this test worth to me? Just how irrational is it to want this test before I move on to getting pregnant?!? Because waiting another month just doesn't seem like a possibility.